After greener grass

Whenever something  terrible happens, Malawians talk about everything except whether the tragedy could have been avoided if people always remembered to use their heads.

 

Those defecting from the late Bingu wa Mutharika to the new President, Joyce Banda (JB), have exhumed just another jazz about how far politicians ‘sexercise’ their freedom of association, but it really does not appear to be different from what most sex-loving Malawians do.

“Bingu’s burial is fast approaching and his cheerleaders have much to do to stay on top of things!” said storyteller Chimutu.

“But there is nothing more dangerous than his political friends who’re running out of stuff to politic about,” retorted the potbellied Chimimba, who has tasted every itchy sextinguishing disease from partners, sisters and daughters of his neighbours, prayermates, workmates, boozemates and busmates.

He feels Bingu’s friends-turned-foe would be on life-prolonging drugs if HIV and Aids attacked political prostitutes too.

Although Bingu’s bad company has shamelessly fallen in love with Her Excellency JB while his body still lies in state, the big belly was not grumbling in particular about their hypocrisy in desperate straits. All political parties are babysitting followers with concealed half-heartedness and likelihood to cross the floor when power changes hands.

“We are all goats; we think grass is greener on the other side,” philosophises Chimimba as everybody is trying to expose the specks on the political scene while forgetting the logs under their roofs.

Just to confirm we are all bleating goats, many of us not only switch from cheap brews to top-of-the-shelf ciders, but also from our till-death-do-us-part partners to short-time companionship and other sexual assets hardly ever declared to our stable mates.

The browsing side of life dawned on me as my bottle and I laid home to mourn the fallen leader. Not that clubs were closed to join the nation in tears. The mourning mood is a symbolic time to rededicate myself to my beloved Caroline and our Ulunji while they are still alive.

“Why do lovers behave like loveless beasts?” asked my Carol.

I didn’t know what my only one meant.

“Our neighbour, Mrs Chimimba, is troubled by temptations. She does not know what to do.”

“What’s the matter? Has the man started playing his sneaky bed politics with girls again?”

“Not the same old story, darling, but her workmate. She is forcing her to find a boyfriend or be a goner.”

“A workmate!”

“Yes, the top banker’s wife. She even has a shortlist of suitable part-timers for her workmates.”

“But what will Mrs Banker gain if her workmates lose their lives and families?”

“She says a modern woman cannot leave home without spare wheels, meaning it is trendy to have one partner at home, another for outings and yet another for prestige.”

I wondered: “What is trendy about sleeping around in these times of HIV and Aids. Is it not more fashionable to stick to one sexual partner?”

However, Ulunji’s mother said Mrs Banker waxes lyrical about kissing a teenager, clad in green boots, during a night out. But why would one defect from a filthily rich banker with lucrative cars, family and children. What good do adults find in youngsters who steal coins from their parents’ wallets to buy shoes of weird colours?

Maybe we all love to feel young and adventurous for a change, said my wife.

“Money is not everything,” she said. “People will start going out of bounds if their lovers feel too rich to stay home.”

“What do you mean?”

“People who are rated six-star performers by their extra lovers sometimes sleep like dead wood in Chikangawa forest when they return to their steady partners.”

That was no news. If sleeping around was an answer, Mrs Chimimba would have gone between sheets with the whole town. I nearly said this, the obvious. In fact, salon-goers overheard her saying her husband snores like a sick swine despite being billed ‘startlingly hot’ by teen sex workers.

That Chimimba’s deeds are hurting his family and friends is an understatement, but is finding the so-called “spare wheel” the best solution?

Those deserting Bingu are surely sons and daughters of this hypocritical society, but you change sexual parties at owners’ risk in time of HIV and Aids.