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At Chez Maky to reflect on Unima, our university

We, Sheikh Jean-Philippe LePoisson, SC (RTD), Abiti Joyce Befu, MG 66, AMAI (RTD), Mzee Native Authority Mandela, and I, the Mohashoi, are here in Blantyre to celebrate the University of Malawi’s (Unima’s) Golden Jubilee. Since we don’t like pomp and exhibitionism, we will on this great day take a very low profile.

We will not parade at the College of Medicine. We will not march even though the presence of the Malawi Army’s brass band sounds captivating. We will instead sit back and enjoy the proceedings as we drink and eat at Chez Maky, notre ami francophone, in the Kabula area of Blantyre, the city of mediocrity; the only city in the world that counts its success in the number of painted streets when it cannot provide water, power, and security.

Today, as President Arthur Peter, sorry, Peter Arthur Mutharika—the only person in the whole world who insists he can be both professor and president—leads Malawians in celebrating Unima’s successes, we have chosen to reflect on the institution’s challenges and draw lessons for the future.

Bro Joe, the brass-voiced fellow we met at Chisitu, Mulanje in the Republic of Lomweland, last week is still with us. Bro Joe is, by Malawian standards, a wealthy businessman, who made his fortunes buying tea in Malawi and selling it in Mozambique and beyond. Bro Joe has been to nobody’s university. Bro Joe did not believe in Unima products until this week when he heard our esteemed master of money management, Mathews Chikaonda—the only man who refused to be both professor and chief executive officer—explained, using the rule of 72, how suspending or cancelling one presidential rally could buy 50 oxygen concentrators for our hospitals and save the lives of millions of Malawians.

For him to appreciate Unima even more, we decided to drive him to Lilongwe to see Kamuzu College of Nursing and the College of Medicine and, then, in Zomba to see Chancellor College and the University Office and finally in Blantyre, to see the Polytechnic, Kamuzu College of Nursing at Kameza and the College of Medicine along the road dedicated to Mahatma Ghandi, the Indian lawyer, who, now the world knows, considered Indians superior to Bantu.

“Mohashoi,” Bro Joe called out as I concentrated on my Chivas Mikhito, “did you say Unima, your university, teaches engineering, building, welding, ujeni?”

“Yeah. What is the problem?” I challenged.

“How come the Polytechnic and Chancellor College look like that proverbial fig fruits with ants inside?” Bro Joe asked.

“What do you mean?” Mzee Native Authority Mandela jumped in.

“How do your talented and skilled professionals allow your institution to collapse with eyes wide open?” Bro Joe asked.

“The problem is lack of government funding,” I offered.

“You mean government funds Kamuzu College of Nursing and College of Medicine and does not fund Chancellor College and the Polytechnic?” Bro Joe probed, hardly masking his laughter.

“I don’t understand your question!” I cried out.

“The College of Medicine and Kamuzu College of Nursing are intact, everything there seems to be perfect while Chancellor College and the Polytechnic are virtually dead. Did you see the state of toilets, ceilings, even classroom chairs at the Polytechnic and Chancellor College? Your university teaches how to fix things, yet it cannot fix itself!” Bro Joe said, smiling like a mouse that has killed a cat.

“That is something we need to focus on as Unima moves into the next 50 years!” I conceded.

“That is why Unima is rated so lowly in the world!” Bro Joe mocked.

“Ranking has nothing to do with the quality of buildings. It is how much research a university publishes and is made available online that counts,” Jean-Philippe explained.

“So what is stopping Unima from publishing and making its research available online?” Abiti, MG, 66, queried.

“Blame it on lack of government funding, I suppose!” Jean-Philippe said sarcastically.

“If Kamuzu College of Nursing and College of Medicine are ticking, something serious must be the problem with the Polytechnic and Chancellor College,” Bro Joe concluded.

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