Country for sale; IMF come buy Nyasaland

(Finance Minister Gado Gandall has applied to the People’s Tribunal, asking the court to accept that the IMF buys the country of Nyasaland. Judge Mbadwa has asked Gandall to present skeletal arguments before he makes his determination)

Gandall: My Lord, you remember that we once asked this court to allow us to file for bankruptcy due to the economic challenges this government has been facing. But this tribunal dismissed that application on the basis that Mapuya’s government came into power riding on the wave of reforms which people are still eagerly looking forward to.

This court told us plainly that because our government, during the campaigns of the 2014 elections, stated that it was going to emancipate this country from the yoke of economic bondage that Boma La Amayi had subjected it to, the People’s Demagogic Party (PDP) government had to live to its promises. Fair enough!

We agreed with the court’s determination and set to follow its order. My Lord, we have tried to implement the so-called reforms, but luck was not on the PDP’s side.  My Lord, it is common knowledge that this government is struggling on the fiscal front. 

You know that under our watch, service delivery system has gone to the dogs while the health delivery system has gone kaput. We can hardly hire doctors, nurses and teachers when we are also losing most of our skilled employees to the private sector with some going abroad for greener pasture.

My Lord, that best laid plans of mice and men often go astray has been true of our economic governance. We thought the kwacha would not tumble down during the reign of Mapuya, but it, unfortunately, did.

Do you remember how we poked fun at how Amayi would voluntarily lick the boots of Western Donors and capitalists such as the International Muzzling Fund (IMF)? We actually thought it was these western capitalists who were calling the shots; hence, running the country.

But our plan for so-called economic independence did not work following the pullout of the donors when we assumed power and life has been hellish since.

My Lord, we no longer want to live a pretentious life; hence, this application to sell the country of Nyasaland to IMF.

Why IMF? My Lord I think we have lost the mandate to govern the people because every decision this government makes has to be ascertained by the International Muzzling Fund. We have been dancing to their sombre lyrics for so long now and it is better they take charge of the country.

For instance, we have to seek the approval of the IMF to raise salaries of our civil servants or even increase the wage bill. To attract a mere K19 billion under the extended credit facility, we have to dance Kazukuta for the imperialists.

By selling the country to IMF My Lord, we will prevent the agony we go through to negotiate a loan of K19 billion. As an IMF country, the donors would be in a position to pump in billions of dollars without conditions instead of ransoming our economy as is the case. We can allow them to run the country for few years and then we will reclaim our sovereignty only after they develop Nyasaland beyond recognition. My Lord, I pray that this application passes.

 Judge Mbadwa: I have listened to what the honourable Minister of Finance Gado Gandall has said.  As I said that time, I am also reluctant to grant the minister his wish.  His government has been reckless in managing its revenue but that is no licence for it to continue abusing taxpayers’ money. Put your house in order honourable minister. There are many people who pay tax but whose are suffering because of the PDP’s penchant for ostentatious lifestyles. I throw out this application. Case dismissed. 

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