Hubby is neglecting me

Dear BMW,

First let me confess that although ndine mayi wa Mvano (a member of the women’s guild), I enjoy reading your column. In fact, every Sunday I dash out to buy this paper, sometimes even using the money I wanted kupereka ku church. If truth be told, Biggie you know how to tickle and tease us women. I wish my hubby, who is hardly at home, had your sense of humour.

Talking of hubby, I think he does not appreciate me anymore. This man is always travelling the world attending conferences and meetings. You see, I made a big mistake of marrying a rich chief executive officer of a certain international firm, who thinks money is everything.

Currently, we live in one of the poshy suburbs in Lilongwe. I drive my own car, he bought me a big house and I have everything a woman would dream of. But what is life without a man to keep you warm during cold nights or when you are moody and need a cuddle? At 35, I am at the peak of my sexual life, yet in a year I sleep with him four to five times, and the sad part of it is that he finishes before I even start to feel him.

Biggy, I am sexually frustrated and I do not want to rape the garden boy. What do I do?

Cookie, via WhatsApp, City Centre.

Dearest Cookie,

Please spare the garden boy; he is as innocent as Biggy. Take your frustrations somewhere; after all, you say your man is not living to his part of bargain in this marriage. But who does that to a woman? Cookie, be careful your man is capable of starving you to death. Get relief soon!

I think your case is a common and very familiar one. Many women grow up with this dream of settling down with a rich man. Mention a leafy suburb to a poor Tukombo girl and she will tell you, that is where real life happens! But what most don’t know is that life with a rich chief executive officer who lives in leafy suburb could actually be boring, sexually.

A good number of these top guys are unavailable husbands because of their ever-busy business schedule that includes meetings, conferences, executive dinners, hosting international executives and golf.

The boss surely will not have time to be home. When he is not coming home late from business meetings, he is sleeping away from home for weeks signing business deals out of the country, leaving sex and attention-starved wife to watch My Perfect Wedding or Real Housewives of Miami. The worst part with these guys, is that being rich comes with lots of lifestyle diseases; diabetes, impotence, BP, etc. I am not even surprised that your man can only go for it five times a year.

So here is the thing: Talk to your man. Tell him to remember that money is not everything in life. Word of warning though, make sure you have saved enough money before saying such nonsense. But open up and tell him that you want more sex or else the garden boy will be pounding the yam.

Lastly, let me just remind you what I said last year. You and your fellow horny women need to be contented with what you have. As mayi wa mvano you should know better that when God gives people talents and skills, He never gives an abundance of such to one person. God will give one person the skill to paint, another to build and to another, He gives the skill to be good in bed (look who’s talking!).

The God that we serve is a just God who delivers His blessings evenly so that no one person shall have plenty while another has no skill at all. God gave your husband a set of skills that have amounted to making you a happy woman through the riches you have. God works in mysterious ways my dear; He will never give a man wealth and also give him the energy to pound yam the whole night. Besides, your husband, like most rich people, is a hard-working man, which means he has no time to spend practising bedroom acrobatics. Accept the fact that for him, its bang, bang, bang and he is done. The poor man, on the other hand, has all the time on his hands for six rounds until his rod is sore.

So, tell me Cookie, would you rather your husband be good in bed and be poor?

Mama, kaguleni akugula azimai anzanu zija basi!

Biggie Man NOTE: You can now send your problems to BMW via WhatsApp number: +265 998-110-975. No calls please!


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