Today, we will reveal our greatest weakness. We have been to almost all corners of this federal republic we proudly call Malawi. Wherever we go in Malawi, we see people that look alike, suffer alike, think alike, eat alike, sleep alike, get sick alike and die alike. We see no difference between the Tumbuka and the Yao, the Chewa and the Lhomwe, the Sena and the Senga, the Tonga and the Ngoni, the Phoka and the Nguru, the Ngonde and the rest of other Malawians.
As such wherever we are we feel at home. Wherever we are we eat in peace, drink in peace, think in peace, sleep in peace, and wake up in peace. Love and respect for all Malawians are our greatest weakness. We are at peace with all Malawians because we only have different names and surnames or clans but the fact remains that we are descendants of less than twenty ancestors. Those who dispute this should ask genuine historians or consult archives at Mzuni, University of Zomba, Society of Malawi, and University of Livingstonia (only).
It is because we are at home here in Nkhota Kota that the Most Paramount Native Authority Mzee Mandela, Abiti Joyce Befu, also fondly known as MG 66, Nganga Maigwaigwa, PSC (RTD) and, Alhajj Mufti Jean-Philippe LePoisson, SC (RTD) and I, Malawi’s celebrated Mohashoi, decided not to go to Lilongwe to be with the President and other dignitaries in this year’s Halaal Independence Day celebrations. This we did despite having been invited.
Instead, we spent Thursday 6th July, Malawi’s Republic Day, at the Sitima Beach listening to Nkhota Kota Community Radio Station where Kanada, the best music from Nkhotakota, played for most of the day.
“Kaka,” started Malenga, the native of Nkhota Kota who has accompanied on the tour of his own district, as we sat down in the clean white sand and got prepared to start our Independence Day bash.
“Yes, Kaka?” I said.
“Do you know why we like President Peter Arthur Mutharika?” Malenga asked to our surprise.
“You mean President Arthur Peter Mutharika?”Jean-Philippe answered, smiling like a cashagate expert.
“Ignore his joke. Just tell us: Why do you like him?” Nganga jumped in.
“We like his no-nonsense approach to issues. You see only two weeks ago your team reminded Ms Jeffrey to concentrate her efforts on fighting for the development of her district, our district, our Nkhota Kota, this morning the radio announced that maintenance of bridges in Nkhota Kota has started,” Malenga said.
“I see. Don’t you think the plans were already there?” Abiti said.
“Maybe. But the truth is that Mutharika is a no-nonsense president. Remember that very bossy and noisy woman who went around the country insulting chiefs, senior chiefs and paramount chiefs? Before she arrived back in Lilongwe, she was fired. Today, she can’t be heard or seen on the Malawi Government radio and TV.”
“Who is this unlucky woman?” Mzee Mandela asked.
“Everybody knows her. I hear she is now a part time DJ at children’s birthday parties!”
“Now, I can guess who that woman is!” Abiti screamed.
“Soon, we will hear that Jeffrey has been fired for insulting Malawians from minority tribes and minority political parties. Even sooner we will hear that heads have rolled at the MBC,” said Malenga, “because it is the last institution that is damaging the president’s standing among Malawians north of the Linthipe River.”