My man is lazy in bed

BMW,

I am a married mother of one. My man is a darling, he comes home every night. He brings home his wages so that we don’t have to fight. We have been married for five years and we have a lovely four-year-old daughter as the pride of our home.

My husband is charming, humble, loving, hard-working and committed to his family; an ideal husband who never fusses or complains. And he earns enough to make us lead a comfortable life. I have everything I ever dreamed of and I cannot really ask for more.

But there is just one problem—he is really not up to it when it comes to bed at night. He doesn’t seem to understand the basics of satisfying a woman in bed. He gives the impression that he is being forced and that he does not enjoy sex.

I was initially suspicious, thinking that maybe he comes home tired after spending some time with a mistress, so I had some private investigators follow him up—but, you guessed right, he wasn’t cheating on me.

He is always where he says he is. In the office or at his favourite bar hanging out with friends.

I know what you are going to say BMW, so hold your fire. That I’m not giving him the best ride, hence his disinterest.

Trust me Biggie, I am good in that area, too. Before I met my husband, I dated men who can attest to my ‘award-winning’ tactics.

And, honestly, I have tried all bedroom tricks in the book in an attempt to make my man happy, but it has achieved naught.

So, I humbly come before you BMW for advice on how to handle this problem.

Aggie, via e-mail, Zomba

My dear Aggie,

I can confidently say, with my hand on my heart, that your husband is gay. Or he  has gay tendencies that he is trying to conceal.

Honestly, a man who does not cheat on his wife? Does that one exist? In Malawi? And he is straight? I doubt. I will bet my last coin on that the ‘buddies’ that he hangs out with are actually his partners. So, you are being fooled.

But that is for me to speculate and for you to find out.

We are working on the strange assumption that your man is straight. So this is my answer: Woman, you are ungrateful!

You know, when God gives people talents and skills, He never gives an abundance of such to one person. God will give one person the skill to paint, another to build and to another. He gives the skill to be good in bed (look who’s talking!).

The God that we serve is a just God who delivers His blessings evenly so that no one person shall have plenty while another has no skill at all.

What I am trying to say is, God gave your husband a set of skills that have amounted to making you a happy woman. You say he is charming, humble, loving, hard-working and committed to his family. How many men do you know that are like that? C’mon Aggie, be grateful.

God works in mysterious ways. Only lucky ones can have both wealth and such skills they desire.

So, tell me Aggie, would you rather have a husband good in bed but poor?

Besides, your husband, like most rich people, is a hard-working man, which means he has no time to spend practising those bedroom antics.

The poor man, on the other hand, has all the time on his hands to practise.

So, my dear, make your choice.

BMW

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