My man wants a kid out of wedlock

Hello BMW,

I am 28 and have a boyfriend whom we have been dating for two years. He is now living and working in South Africa.

Everything was going on well until the day he came back home. We had agreed that he would meet my parents and start planning for our wedding, but he changed tune and said we should have a child first. I was left surprised because I thought a child is supposed to be raised in a stable environment of marriage?

My man has gone back to SA angry that I did not like his idea. Lately, he has been sending me pictures of baby clothes he has bought for our baby. BMW, I am being tempted to fall for it as I am getting old and my fecundity is waning.

Should I fall pregnant for him? I ask this question because most of my age-mates are married and have children and I do not want to lose my man. Confused woman,

Ndirande Malabada via WhatsApp.


Hello Confused,

To say that I am confused at your man’s condition for marriage would be a great understatement. I am confounded. It is one of the most preposterous preconditions I have ever heard of getting to marry someone. It leaves me even bewildered is that you seem so desperate for this man that you consider yielding to his demands the best of options at your disposal. And then, knowing that you have to be convinced he is really serious that your marriage to him is tied to a baby, he starts sending you baby clothes! That, my dear, is just a decoy to believe this man is really serious about marrying you.

Say he is really sincere that after you have his baby and he marries you, what will be the next reason he will have for keeping you in his house? That is, assuming he will allow you to go with him to South Africa. Call me a doubting Big Man Wamkulu or Thomas or whatever on earth you may wish to call me, but I can bet the last ounce of my breath that this man is a cheat and he does not want to marry you

Take it from me. This man is already married in South Africa. I would not even be surprised if he is married to a South African. As we are saying, this man already has children with your would-be co-wife but he feels these children are South Africans. So, he wants you as a vessel to bear him ‘Malawian’ children.

Dear Confused, I have lived long enough to know that that we marry because we are in love. It may be misplaced love but that is the primary drive. We do not marry because we think our fertility is waning out.BMW


My wife is too moody for sex

Dear Biggie,

My wife is like a chameleon. It is so difficult to know if she is happy or not; if she wants sex or not. You can’t tell if she wants to eat or not or if what you have bought her is what she likes or not. She is hell to live with!

Does this woman want marriage or I am wasting my time?

Please help!

TK, Mangochi via WhatsApp



I can’t help but sympathise with you. You are in a problematic marriage. But then, if I may ask, when did you discover her moody swings? Why did you tolerate her temperance in the first place?

Even in a mere relationship, it is easy to detect moody people from the way they talk to you on the phone to how they respond to your WhatsApp messages. I sympathise with you TK. I surely do. I feel for guys like you who are married to women who sleep in a pair of jeans that is zipped up as if there is no tomorrow. My heart goes out to men like you whose wives can stand on the anti-hill and scream: “I could have managed chastity to my death!”

It is given that some men suffer in silence when their women deny them their conjugal rights, which is why I appreciate that TK has come out. Men have been in the closet far too long and it is high time they learnt that speaking out is not a sign of weakness.

I suggest, you and I keep in touch so that someday we can put up a voice versus violence against men. We must fight for equity, not equality.

And, by the way, while we are fighting for gender equality, who is preparing men to withstand the heat when they will realise that, after all, there is no such thing as the weaker sex?

Excuse me TK for going all the way, but my heart bleeds for you. That is all I can do for you. Should I tell you what I could have told you in my heyday? Vanish for a couple of days and come home after her relatives call you to ask of your whereabouts.



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