Meet Mbwenumbwenu and Kodikodi

We, Sheikh Jean-Philippe LePoisson, SC (RTD), Abiti Joyce Befu, MG 66, AMAI (RTD), Mzee Native Authority Mandela and I, the Mohashoi, are still in Nkhamenya, Kasungu, the birth district of Kamuzu Banda. It is a nice place. It is often warm and sunny transected by easterly breezes. No wonder then that we have fallen deeply in love with the place. There are many other things we like about this place.

We like the linguistic tolerance and cosmopolitanism of Nkhamenyans. Here you can speak Chichewa, Chitumbuka, Chitonga, Chibemba and Chengelezi without being frowned at.  We adore the Nkhamenya Secondary School and its hardworking students. We like the Catholic Church, its sisters and mothers. We like the food varieties the restaurants here provide. In one restaurant, we were even offered tea wa coffee. We particularly like the size of the cups in which the coffee-tea is served.  Here we drink coffee-tea from giant cups, mugs, called locally jomela or komeshi. One jomela of coffee-tea and the accompanying sangweji are enough to keep your stomach heavy and the intestines busy for six hours. It is good for shoestring-budget tourism.

Above all, we like the availability of what all good, no, great men and women should be partaking of and enjoying. Nightlife. Dance. Peace. Loud talk.

You know us well enough by now, don’t you? By now you know that we are not the kind of people that will miss an opportunity to enjoy ourselves. So, last night we visited a pub whose location and name the owner asked us not to reveal. It is a place where major transactions take place. This is where all people who matter in Nkhamenya, Chisemphere, Kanyika, Mabilao, Loudon, Edingeni, Jenda, Kaluluma, even Kasungu and Lilongwe converge to transact serious business. Here precious stones, teeth, tusks, hair, weed and bush meat from Mzimba, Kasungu, and other areas are bartered with goods from Malambo, as Zambia used to be called before the agents of the British monarchy ‘discovered’ us, without being robbed by Malawi’s punitive tax agency.

When we got into the faintly lit bar, we asked for our drinks. Ally colleagues asked for fantakoko but I didn’t want to pretend since pretence breeds sadness and poverty. I asked for some local dry gin and lemon on the rocks.

“We don’t stock that,” the barman, whose face could barely be traced in the semi-dark neon-lit bar, said.

“Ok. Give me anything haram,” I challenged.

“We have Captain’s Organ, Chivas Mikhito and Jonathan Walks. What do I serve you?”

“Wow. You keep Captain’s Organ! Give me a double on the rocks.”

“This is what people like you take when they come here,” the barman said, barely masking his sense of triumph.

“People like us?” Abiti asked.

“Yeah, Mbwenumbwenu and Kodikodi are here tonight!”

“What? What sort of names are those?”Mzee Native Authority Mandela wondered.

“They are code names, not their real names,” the barman said, before offering to introduce us to two gentlemen that were hiding, no, sitting in one even more faintly lit corner.

My colleagues hesitated to go and meet the two gentlemen. I volunteered to meet Mbwenumbwenu and Kodikodi. After an exchange of literally cold greetings, I asked them if I could invite my colleagues to join us. They gave me the go-ahead. I immediately called my expedition members.

“What are your real names?” Abiti asked our two newly-found friends.

“Is a name not a mere label?” Mbwenumbwenu said, “and who cares about names? My friend here used to describe me as a Mbwenumbwenu because locally all Tumbuka speakers are derogatorily called mbwenumbwenu. So, I decided to call myself Mbwenumbwenu. But, I reminded him that Chichewa speakers are called kodikodi in my area. He was initially confused. However, he later too accepted to be called Kodikodi.”

“Is that correct, sir?” Abiti asked, turning to Kodikodi.

“Very correct. Mbwenumbwenu and I are friends and brand names here at Nkhamenya. But, we are better known for what we do together than what those people without integrity, patriotism and hard work want Malawians to concentrate on.”

“What is it that you do together? Mzee Native Authority Mandela asked.

“Take your breath first!” Kodikodi said.