My wife can’t cook

Dear Biggie,

I was raised by my mom and grew up loving her food. She is an amazing cook even today!

Last year, I got married to my college sweetheart. And what a mistake I made! You know Biggie, when in college apart from cafeteria rubbish, the only other food you get to dig your teeth on is junk food.

So, when I got married I was hoping my life would change as I would start consuming real, hot and yummy food cooked by my wife.

But, my wife, just like many other women these days, cannot cook good food the way my mom does.

I will be honest Biggie, most of the time I feel like throwing up when she has prepared what she calls ‘a nice meal’.

It also scares me to death when she invites neighbours for family dinners because what she usually feeds us is smut.

And her taste of food leaves a lot to be desired. For example, when there is meat, pork or chambo in the fridge, you will find she has cooked cabbage, carrots and boiled potatoes or rice (vegetarian food). I love my wife, but I also love meat.

 Biggie when I politely ask her to employ a maid who can help her with the cooking, she says I want a maid because I want to ‘eat her’.

I can’t tell her in the face that I hate her food because it is tasteless, it will hurt her feelings. I can’t cook myself so what should I do? Terminator, Blantyre

Dear Terminator,

You see the problem with people who can’t cook is that they complain too much. My friend, I do not know what you do in life but start cooking your own food or get a life.

You may be a prison warder, a president of an opposition party, a morgue attendant or the most feared banker for all I care.

But your ‘big man’ status ends at your doorstep. In that woman’s house, you are a squatter; a nobody.

You are at her mercy and the fact that she feeds you, count yourself lucky. Please stop acting Big Daddy as if you can bear the heat the microwave or the cooker emits.

Do you even know how tearful it is to cut onions? Do you know that women lose fingernails and make up in the kitchen?

You are nothing but a Buhari who thinks your wife belongs in the kitchen!

From today onwards just eat her food, in fact, the family cat has more rights than you in that house. So shut up and do what you are told, sleep when it is so ordered, wake up when Mrs Tasteless Food wants to clean the sheets, kiss her thighs every morning and all that appertains to it on demand and yes, you will damn eat the leaves and what you are given.

Don’t you ever complain to me again that women these days do not know how to cook, lazy man! And shame on you, woman hater. BMW