Re-marrying: Should children be involved?

The death of one parent does not mean that one should not re-marry. But then, should children be involved in the process? Our Reporter ALBERT SHARRA explores the issue.

Nineteen-year-old Patrick Yonamu (not real name) believes if his mother was still alive he could be doing his tertiary education.

Yonamu, who has just married, disclosed this in an interview earlier this week that the coming of his step- mother into the family affected their (children’s) future. Yonamu says he is the first born in the family and his mother died after he completed standard eight.

He says a year later, his father re-married a woman who brought her daughter with her.

“I was selected to a boarding secondary school and I used to come at the end of every month to get pocket money. But on several occasions my step-mother hid the money. She even once told me to drop out of school because my father earns little money. However, my father used to tell me that I would not fail to finish my school unless he died,” narrates Yonamu.

He says the step-mother made sure her child was at a private school and had almost everything.

“It is an experience I will never forget. When we went out she did not keep food for us, except for her child. It took me time to realise that she did not like us and that has cost us our future,” laments Yonamu.

He said he was fed up by the situation in the house and decided to leave together with his two sisters to try a new life.

Yonamu’s story is not new. But it is such stories that have made some children protest or reluctantly agree to have their divorced or widowed parent re-marry.

But should children be involved in choosing their parent’s partner?

Dominic Nsona, a psychotherapist at Lighthouse in Lilongwe, says children should be part of the decision.

“Although the parent may be excited with the new-found love, it is not a guarantee that the children are equally happy. It is, therefore, important to consider hearing views of the children because the latter suffer emotionally when they see a new person abruptly replace their parent,” advises Nsona.

Nsona urges parents to alert children in time, especially after observing that there is the potential for the new relationship to end into marriage.

“Depending on the developmental stage, the new partner is likely to face some challenges. However, the slow introductions allow a child to know the new person gradually. This also allows your partner to “date” your children,” says Nsona.

Maxwell Matewere who works for an organisation that cares about the life and future of children—Eye of the child, says when it comes to replacing a parent in a family, children should not actually be consulted, but be thoroughly engaged.

“This process needs not to be rushed. Take it step by step, patiently. The first step should be to engage children in counselling so that they understand the changes. The second step is to speak more to them through your partner who also needs some counseling and adjustment to fit into the new environment, “advises Matewere.

Matewere says there should be no short-cuts in the introduction process to ensure the child understands.

“If you show love to the child, the child will stop crying. If you give a child some sweets, the child will love you. If you show some love to people the child loves, the child will love you. The remaining partner just needs to be in control, “he concludes.