Your personal finance

The root of many relationship evils: Finances

In many of the speaking engagements I have had with organisations or during wedding send-offs, one of the most common themes I get requested to talk on is the financial roles that exist in relationships.

There are a few key elements that really form a strong foundation of how people in relationships should think about and handle their money. I will offer you free advice. Ignore it and I bet you will be meeting your marriage counselors soon or we may see you in court filing for divorce papers.

Talking about money in a relationship is the absolute essential. When you’re in a relationship where you are sharing many of the costs of life, you have to be able to communicate clearly about those costs, as well as the income you both have with which to cover them and the plans you each have for the future. Why is this important? I will give you two solid reasons:

First, the debts and expenses of your partner are also your debts and expenses. If they owe a debt and have to make a monthly debt payment, that takes money out of the shared pool that you both have with which to cover your monthly expenses. If you spend money somewhere, that money is removed from the overall pool that you have to cover your monthly bills.

Whether you like it or not, if you are in a relationship, your finances are shared, whether in actual practice or not. Your actions affect your partner and vice versa.

Second, hiding debts and expenses from your partner affects them in many ways and is deeply dishonest and damaging to your relationship. Since your spending alters how your partner is able to spend money, hiding a debt or an expense from your partner is essentially the same thing as taking money out of their pocket without telling them why. This undermines financial stability. It undermines the trust in your relationship. It ensures that your partner is unfairly being asked to shoulder an additional burden without even knowing why. Usually, the root cause of this is a communication breakdown. You’re afraid to tell your partner because you’re afraid of the retribution you envision in whatever form that may take.

All of this culminates with a simple statement about the stability of one’s relationship. If you can’t talk about money with each other, then your relationship is on tenuous ground. A relationship is about mutual support. If you can’t talk about your financial situation because it shows weakness, then you’re not mutually supportive. If you can’t talk about your financial situation because you fear retribution, then your relationship is at best combative and at worst abusive.

If you can’t communicate through your mistakes and honestly evaluate your full financial situation together on a regular basis, your entire relationship is on tenuous ground. You need to take a serious look about whether this relationship is something you should be continuing, because there are some deep trust issues (and other problems) running right through the relationship you’ve built.

The solution to all of this is simple, and it’s right there in the first principle. Communicate. Talk about everything with your partner. Admit your failings, and don’t brow-beat your partner over his or her failings. You’re both human beings. You’re both going to make mistakes. The entire purpose of a relationship is to be there for each other through both the high points and the mistakes. Otherwise, there’s no point in having a long-term relationship.

Have a blessed weekend!

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Your personal finance

The root of many relationship evils: Finances

In many of the speaking engagements I have had with organisations or during wedding send-offs, one of the most common themes I get requested to talk on is the financial roles that exist in relationships.

There are a few key elements that really form a strong foundation of how people in relationships should think about and handle their money. I will offer you free advice. Ignore it and I bet you will be meeting your marriage counsellors soon or we may see you in court filing for divorce papers.

Talking about money in a relationship is the absolute essential. When you’re in a relationship where you are sharing many of the costs of life, you have to be able to communicate clearly about those costs, as well as the income you both have with which to cover them and the plans you each have for the future. Why is this important? I will give you two solid reasons:

First, the debts and expenses of your partner are also your debts and expenses. If they owe a debt and have to make a monthly debt payment, that takes money out of the shared pool that you both have with which to cover your monthly expenses. If you spend money somewhere, that money is removed from the overall pool that you have to cover your monthly bills.

Whether you like it or not, if you are in a relationship, your finances are shared, whether in actual practice or not. Your actions affect your partner and vice-versa.

Second, hiding debts and expenses from your partner affects them in many ways and is deeply dishonest and damaging to your relationship. Since your spending alters how your partner is able to spend money, hiding a debt or an expense from your partner is essentially the same thing as taking money out of their pocket without telling them why. This undermines financial stability. It undermines the trust in your relationship. It ensures that your partner is unfairly being asked to shoulder an additional burden without even knowing why. Usually, the root cause of this is a communication breakdown. You’re afraid to tell your partner because you’re afraid of the retribution you envision in whatever form that may take.

All of this culminates in a simple statement about the stability of one’s relationship. If you can’t talk about money with each other, then your relationship is on tenuous ground. A relationship is about mutual support. If you can’t talk about your financial situation because it shows weakness, then you’re not mutually supportive. If you can’t talk about your financial situation because you fear retribution, then your relationship is at best combative and at worst abusive.

If you can’t communicate through your mistakes and honestly evaluate your full financial situation together on a regular basis, your entire relationship is on tenuous ground. You need to take a serious look about whether this relationship is something you should be continuing, because there are some deep trust issues (and other problems) running right through the relationship you’ve built.

The solution to all of this is simple, and it’s right there in the first principle. Communicate. Talk about everything with your partner. Admit your failings, and don’t brow-beat your partner over his or her failings. You’re both human beings. You’re both going to make mistakes. The entire purpose of a relationship is to be there for each other through both the high points and the mistakes. Otherwise, there’s no point in having a long-term relationship.

Have a blessed week-end!

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