A broken heart…

When the Bible and Quran refer to women as weaker ones, most feminists tend to take offence. The reality is that women are generally born with a big heart that unfortunately is susceptible to being broken. Through the two holy books, men are encouraged to be careful and considerate. When things go wrong in a relationship, women get affected most. Dumase Zgambo-Mapemba looks at this issue.

Hanna’s (not real name) relationship with her husband was still blissful. She really thought she was happy and that the man was a god-send. Until that day, she walked on her husband making out with his secretary.

It was one of those days that her husband of seven years had called her to inform her that he will knock off late as he needed to do an urgent job. Being the loving wife she was, she made him his favourite samoosas and decided to drop them at his office.  

Since she expected him to be stuck in the office, she just knocked and opened the door. The sinful romantic sight that greeted her almost made her faint. Without uttering a word, she simply walked out and closed the door.

She managed to drive home, though in a confused state, and waited for the husband. A few minutes later, he defiantly walked into the house. Before she could say anything, it was him who started shouting at her. What she finally got was that she had suffocated him in many ways and had been unhappy with their relationship for years. He wanted a divorce.

He somehow mentioned that the secretary did not mean anything to him. She was too angry and shocked to care.

After this incident, she learnt about her husband’s other escapades. She was broken hearted. She spent time alone in the bedroom every day and never got out.

A few days later, she was found dead in her home after taking an overdose of pain killers. Sadly, she left her six year-old son and a suicide note.

This is one of the many stories about how women have handled a broken heart.

Most people admit that it is not easy to get over it. But then it is not healthy to live with it. One can surely become a danger to one self or those around her.

Relationship expert Susan Piver, speaking of her own two-year experience recovering from heartbreak in her book titled The Wisdom of a Broken Heart, believes you need to embrace your tears! She and of course other experts have ways of healing a broken heart.

Make friends with your heartbreak

You may be tempted to try and forge past it, numbing the pain with rebound sex or drinking and excessive eating. Or you may swear off all future relationships. But that’s the cowardly approach, and one that won’t serve you well in the long run. With grieving comes increased awareness: of what’s truly important to you; whom you love; and who loves you.  If you allow sadness to teach you, it actually will resolve faster than any effort to fight it.

Deal appropriately with negative thoughts

When negative thoughts are running endlessly through your mind you need to get up and do something else. Take a walk or call someone who can cheer you up. Piver recommends that you feel your feelings without telling yourself a story about them.

Simply acknowledging to yourself what you’re feeling (hopelessness, despair, fear) without drawing any conclusions from those feelings, she says, will allow your mind to process the grief more quickly and return to a more balanced state.

Know the difference between grief and depression.

There is often a fine line between the two, and normal heartbreak can sometimes transform into full-blown depression. In depression, nothing seems to matter, whereas with sadness, everything does. When depression is setting in you ruminate non-stop about the breakup, and you cannot stop your mind from tormenting you with very painful thoughts.

Turn up the radio

Science suggests that music has a therapeutic effect. Avoid sad and lovesick songs. Blare some of your favorite, feel-good tunes. Listening to them can trigger the release of endorphins, lifting your spirits and combating stress.

Feel some kindness toward your ex

The most potent step you can take in your own healing,” Piver writes, “is to extend loving kindness to your ex.” Although that seems next to impossible, the process of extending your heart to someone whom you have no intention of loving ever again can actually bring feelings of stability and peace to your inner mind.

You don’t need to forgive or forget your ex’s past transgressions or stay in touch. In fact, Piver says it’s a good idea to de-friend him on Facebook to keep from obsessing about his every move. Your focus should be on letting go of anger.

Piver recommends sitting in a quiet, comfortable place and spending a few minutes wishing yourself and him well. Remember that no matter how badly he treated you, he has the same longing as you: to find love and be happy.