Chikangawa plantation

We were at Kagwenthagwentha until around 3.00 a.m. doing what all sensible people worldwide do. Like all sensible people worldwide, we spent the hours eating pork, drinking Fantakoko, Mzuzu Dry Gin and Amalaulitsa, admiring girls and men. Most importantly, we whiled away the hours discussing politics, elections and who is who is business dealings in Malawi.

Actually, were about to go back to our temporary residence in Mzuzu, the famous Chindele Chakufikapo Lodge, when three gentlemen joined us. They called for drinks for themselves and asked us what we wanted to drink. Sheikh Jean-Philippe LePoisson Sc (Retired) was about to refuse the gesture, when I quickly interrupted him and told the new-comers that we took Amalaulitsa, Fantakoko and Mzuzu Dry Gin. As the barman was busy preparing our drinks, I asked Jean-Philippe to follow me to the washroom.

“What is it?” Jean-Philippe asked when we got inside the Banalume Washroom.

“What’s your problem?”

“I have no problem,” Jean-Philippe responded, rather surprised at my question.

“Do you know those three gentlemen?”

“No.”

“Why then do you want to refuse to get their offer?”

“Well. We are tired…”

“Speak for yourself. I am not tired. Abiti Joyce Befu, MG66, is not tired, neither is Native Authority Mandela. The barman is alert. So, who else is tired?”

“You mean we can’t refuse a gift?”

“No. It is an insult to the gift-giver. Those who make noise against gift-giving and receiving do so only because they have never given or received any gift,” I said.

“Or they have nothing to give out? That sounds political!”Jean-Philippe laughed.

When we got back to the counter, one of the three gentlemen remarked that we had taken a bit of time in the Banalume Washroom.

“What do you suspect?” I asked.

“Nothing. Except that man-to-man marriages are being promoted all over the world these days. After all, it is not that bad,” said the man who sounded drunk and spoke on top of his hyena-like voice.

“You suspect we are gay?” Jean- Philippe, who, these days, understands Chichewa, Chitumbuka, Chitonga, Chilhomwe and Chiyao, asked in English.

“No. I was just joking. You know some of us have tongues that are free from all manner of bondage”, the drunken man said.

“The Chikangawa-Mzuzu Highway is very tricky. Fog. Darkness. Bends. Andulations. As we were coming down I said, ‘shaaa’!” the second newcomer said, apparently to shut his cantankerous friend up.

“Kamuzu had great vision, but the DPP damaged that great plantation. The MCP must come back to fix that environmental asset they created,” the third newcomer said sipping his Jungubawa wine.

“Which environmental asset?” I asked.

“The Chikangawa Plantation in Mzimba. Kamuzu created that pine plantation for very good reasons. To protect the Rukuru, Lweya, Dwambazi and Kawiya river systems, “the third newcomer explained, textbook-like.

“Two mistakes. One. The Chikangwa plantation was not created by Kamuzu, but by the colonial government. D.D. Phiri has written about this issue several times. Second, to say the Chikangwa Plantation is in Mzimba is a misrepresentation of facts. About 90% of that plantation is in Nkhata Bay,” I said.

“The same thing about Mzuzu. One third of it is in Nkhata Bay, but people keep saying it is in Mzimba,” Native Authority Mandela said.

“Madala don’t cheat us. Where did you learn that? The drunken newcomer challenged, belching like a pregnant monkey.

“I don’t need to learn from anywhere. I am a custodian of facts about Malawi. It is not for nothing that they call me Native Authority Mandela,” the Native authority said, holding his glass of Amalaulitsa in his right the way a pastor holds the Bible while making a serious point.

“Tell them!” MG 66 shouted, rising from her seat where she had slumbered for some time, curtsey of Amalaulitsa on the rocks.

“I guess textbooks have to change because some of us have grown up knowing that the Chikangawa Plantation is in Mzimba and was created by Kamuzu Banda,” the second newcomer submitted.

“You just have to de-school and re-school yourselves, guys,” MG 66 said, teacher-like.