Competition and Fair Trading Commission: Already dead?

We spent last Thursday afternoon in Cashgate City’s Area 44, popularly known as Kauma, where we went to conduct some door-to-door evangelisation whose core aim was to popularise our interfaith international prayer house institution. Unlike our rivals, we don’t claim — in our proselytisation gatherings, face to face encounters in pubs, in schools, in churches, in mosques and even in Nyabhingi prayer centres — to posses powers that can transform wine into water and vice versa, prostitutes into pastors, or fauna into flora and vice versa.

We are probably the only religious institution, outside the old conservative ones like the Catholic Church, the CCAP, the CAP, Zion ya Yehova, Zambezi Mission, Rastafarianism and the Salvation Army that declares the monthly tithing and weekly monetary collections that we do on behalf God and the Kingdom of Heaven. Unlike our rivals, we believe that people must live this earthy life to its fullest because it is a precursor to its heavenly counterpart. People, we always preach, must live their lives as if there were and there will be no other world yonder and no resurrection because human life is evolutionary and contiguous.

So, last Thursday our Chief Apostle Dr Abiti Joyce Befu, MG 66, led the Question and Answer Session at Kauma while we, Deputy Chief Apostle Sheikh Jean-Philippe LePoisson, SC (RTD), Native Authority Mandela and I were there to support our leader of delegation, expedition and prayer house.

The first question came from Bington Joseph, a man whose dark hair was in sharp contrast to his wrinkled face, who asked why it was that each time the president of Malawi said something he seemed to anger someone, including recently academics and their sympathisers.

“For example, Bington went on, “only recently the president encouraged lecturers to refrain from wasting precious University of Malawi time making trivial comments on non-issues and on comments and instead concentrate on doing research for the benefit of our federal republic. But, I am shocked at the reaction from some of them. Why such a reaction?”

“That question can best be answered by the reactionary lecturers and professors themselves. But, as a prayer house, we can tell you that to conduct research requires big money. Friends of ours in the USA and in the Republic of Xenophobia and Soccer Bribery (RXSB) tell us why their universities are not funded by their governments. Malawi’s presidents should start asking themselves why they don’t fund public universities enough to conduct research instead of being contented with being chancellor of this and chancellor of that public university…Are you with me?”

“Yes, we are,” Joseph answered royally.

“Learn to speak for yourself. Mulutiphela ufulu wathu wayankha ka,” a Kaumian lady in her early twenties protested.

Bington Joseph did not answer. Chief Apostle Befu, MG 66, asked for more questions.

“Yes,” the youngish Kaumian lady stood up and asked, “Yesterday I bought airtime. Upon loading in my phone a message came telling me I had received some Tikolore bonus that I could only use in the night from 11.00pm 5.00 the following day. My question is what is the point behind this promotion? To mock us? Who can wake up at midnight for the sake making a phone call? And who will answer that call? Nkuti omakolola usiku?”

Before Chief Apostle Abiti Joyce Befu could answer, a young man stood up and asked why the Malawi government allows herbalists to advertise on radio, TV and newspapers such dubious services as manhood trebling and buttock and breast enlargement. Many people, the young man went on, have tried their luck and come back disappointed.

“We advise you to contact the Competition and Fair Trading Commission for assistance,” Abiti advised, coolly, signposting the question.

The crowd broke into a long laughter.

“You mean the Competition and Fair Trading Commission staff don’t read newspapers, watch TV or listen to radio to learn about the fake adverts?” one voice shot out.

“Why does it not set the agenda?” Another voice shot up.

“That’s just another dead organisation on life support,” yet another voice declared.

We, the apostles, looked at each other and wondered if the Kauma faithful was not right.