Moya, it is in total fulfilment of our March 2015 Black Box covenant that we submit these annual states of our estate reports. We fear defaulting lest you descend on us and implement your fatwa on us for intransigence.
We trust uncle Che Vakara, Ngwazi Bingu wa Mutharika, John Chilembwe and petit Edward are in your environs and do partake in reading these annual state of our estate reports.
Moya, the past twelve earthly months have been inundated with revelations.
For the first time in our history, a very senior judge declared publicly that there is corruption in the Malawi justice system, the courts system, the Judiciary. When this judge vomited this bile, we, the pipo, thought he had an exe to grind with his colleagues in that fortress impenetrable profession.
But, believe it or not, Moya, the head of the Judiciary, the Chief Justice, confirmed corruption reigned in his kingdom. His legal kraal was stinking and sooner or later the sick cattle would be expunged to the legal abattoir, the Judiciary boss warned.
Then, lo and behold, the Malawi Law Society published names of lawyers who had been disbarred, a legalese for dismissal, for fleecing their clients, corrupting junior court officials to vaporise case files and for unspecified other unpalatable legal misbehaviours. Then a court official, the voice of the Judiciary in Malawi, was arrested for soliciting and accepting bribes or something akin to that.
Now, Moya, you can hopefully understand why Civil Cause Number 547 of 2015 cannot be heard up to now. Moya, in Malawi money is king. Money is health. Money is voice. Money is justice. Money is power. Such is the state of our justice system.
Second, someone senior in the Anti-Corruption Bureau, Police or Attorney General’s office told Malawians that actually the President of Malawi is the Chief Arresting Officer. Yes, you can sigh. And sigh again.
Listen Moya, as we pen this report, a Musician and his producer are serving a two-year jail term, in addition to having their song banned, for questioning why pork and catfish are banned in Islam and Seventh Day Adventism. The Chief Arresting Officer ordered his arresting assistants (police) to immediately apprehend the ignorant boys. And the justice system worked overtime to find the musicians guilty as charged.
Moya, those who believe the Malawi police and Judiciary are independent from the presidency need to go St John of God in Mzuzu.
Moya, we next humbly report the obvious. Since 1994, only president Bakili Muluzi ever worked with his vice, Justin Malawezi, to complete their full two 5-year presidential terms although their relationship ended acrimoniously.
Moya, you will recall that Bingu wa Mutharika got rid of Cassim Chilumpha as soon as it pleased him, incarcerated him at Maula prison for ‘constructive resignation’. Although Chilumpha remained de jure vice-president of Malawi, Bingu completed the first term of his presidency as he wished, alone, like a king.
Then Bingu picked your sister, Joyce Banda, as running mate for the 2009 elections. They won hands down. Did two years pass before Joyce Banda was also shown the exit door? You already know the answer, Moya.
Then Joyce Banda, who became president following the death of Bingu wa Mutharika, picked Khumbo Kachali as vice-president. Did two years pass before Joyce Banda, who had been sidelined by Bingu, sideline Khumbo Kachali and picked an MCP diehard as her running mate for the 2014 elections? Moya, you were here then and you know the answer.
Joyce Banda lost the 2014 shambolic elections. Peter Arthur Mutharika, now called Adadi, and his running mate, Saulos Klaus Chilima, won the elections hands akimbo.
We can report that the beautiful words of unity within the presidency ended in proverbs, such as ‘only fools tame snakes’. We knew Chilima was on his way out.
So, Moya, we can predict and forecast, with humanly precision, that if President Peter Mutharika wins the 2019 elections, his vice-president, Everton Chimulerenji, will be sidelined even if he behaves subserviently.
If Saulos Klaus Chilima wins the 2019, Michael Usi will be ignored before he blinks five times. If Atupele Muluzi wins the election, Frank Tumpale Mwenefumbo will be shoved aside. If Chakwera wins the elections, Muhammad Sidik Mia will be spiked.
Moya, the pattern is clear. The running-mates themselves know their collective fate. They are the drummers for the king’s entry into the Garden of Eden, but they are the proverbial hunting dogs who suffer thorn-scratches during the hunt but end up eating hard meatless and marrowless bones.
Moya, although albinos continue to suffer death, maiming, and disembowelment, a few good things have happened in Malawi since last year. Some roads are being dualized to ease traffic congestion. There is enough fuel and forex, thanks to Joyce Banda’s inland fuel reservoirs and monetary policy, some claim. Social media are helping in realising our unfettered freedom of expression thanks to internet ubiquity.
Most importantly, Moya, we report that Ndaona is engaged and bientôt we will celebrate his marriage. Talasina is married. Baby Llyod is steadily and progressively fitting into the shoes of his grandmaster father – ‘Raw Stuffer’.
Moya, such is the state of our estate four years on. n