How to handle sibling rivalry

Don’t play favourites. Parents should not allow one child to feel loved more than his/her sibling.

Don’t compare your children with one another. For example, don’t say your sister gets better grades in English- why can’t you?  Appreciate each child’s individual gifts and talents. Let each child be who they are, don’t try to pigeonhole or label them.

Model good interaction and unity in the way you deal with your family. The need for family members to support one another, sharing and treating one another with respect, love regardless of age should be emphasised as much as possible.

If you have siblings, show your children how siblings stick together and that you can disagree without being disagreeable. Talk about ways you and your siblings treated one another when you were growing up — even when your behaviour is a negative example. It might help your kids to know that sometimes siblings don’t like each other very much, but you still have to get along cooperatively.

Build a family climate where each child spends time with parents without having to compete for parental attention. Siblings also need to spend time together in positive, productive and enjoyable ways.

Even in adulthood, build a “one for all and all for one” mentality where siblings stand up for each other and look after one another. As children grow up, encourage them to find ways to interact and stay in touch, such as writing notes, playing games together, talking around the dinner table after supper and cheering one another on at sporting events and other activities siblings are involved in.

Ensure that family members treat one another with respect and consideration. If siblings are squabbling, insist they do so in ways that do not involve violence, name- calling or malicious and destructive behaviour.

Allow them to work things out as much as possible, only intervening to prevent physical contact or destruction of property or after they have been squabbling for an extended period of time.

Before you step in to a children’s squabble, give them a warning that you will intervene if the disagreement doesn’t end within one to two minutes and that no one will like your solution. This encourages siblings to work things out together, which can help foster unity.

Distinguish between fair and equal treatment.  Siblings of any age sometimes complain that parents aren’t fair in the way they spend time, give gifts, decide chores or assign responsibilities. Explain that fair means you decide what is most beneficial for all and equal means that you do the same for everyone.

Equal does not mean fair if you have to split resources evenly between a sibling who needs nothing and a sibling who has a significant need. Explain that you will act in accordance with what you feel is of the most benefit at that specific time. This helps to reduce resentment between siblings and helps siblings more open to working together and caring for each other.