I am falling for the barmaid

Dear BMW,

I am a 28-year-old married entrepreneur with a little more cash to splash. I love spending my free time at one of the popular drinking den downtown Blantyre, where I met this stunning barmaid. She is tall, light skinned, has huge melons and an onion booty to die for. When she opens her mouth, ooh Biggie, the woman has such a sweet voice compared to my ungrateful and whining wife.

BMW, the barmaid also knows how to serve me beer and kanyenya. The way she cares for me warms my heart. Every time I see her I lose my mind and spend money on beer like a fool. I literary drool over her and try to impress by buying too much beer and throwing ‘rounds’ like a madman.

BMW, lately I have been avoid visiting the bar, but the more I do this, the more I long for her. At night, I can’t do anything but think about her. I am nearly broke because I have been spending too much money on beer and spoiling her.

Am I being an idiot to fall head over heels in love with a barmaid?

PJ via WhatsApp, KJ, Blantyre

Dear PJ,

One thing I know is that barmaids are trained in ‘heaven’ in the art of stroking a man’s ego, the number one weakness of men that wives have ignored.

When a man says I want to watch soccer and drink liquor at the pub, there is one thing an average man will not tell his loudmouth wife.

So women out there, lend me your long ears. Your biggest threat dear married woman is the barmaid. Most of them are women who still wear petticoats, bikers and recycled weaves and look normal. But do not be cheated. They have one skill and that is to make your man wobble at the knees. That barmaid might have three children with different men, and cannot spell her name, but she can still get your husband’s attention.

A barmaid needs tips to survive before her meagre pay checks in at the end of the month. She knows that to get a fat tip, she has to play ‘Miss Nice’. That’s where they beat the long-suffering wives hands down.

Picture this: a man walks into his house from work, tired to the bones and hungry after a long day of toil in the office. His ungrateful and ill-mannered wife could care less about the poor soul. She’ll be engrossed on her phone busy gossiping on WhatsApp and giggling at balderdash from fellow demented women.

She’ll briefly lift her head up and nonchalantly say, “Nsima ili ku kitchen” and continue focusing on her phone. But when the man walks into the local bar, he is welcomed like a king by the barmaid, who charmingly enquires what he’ll have and serves him with an aura of sweetness and humility.

When a man shouts half way into his bottle that, “Another beer!” they do not retort back like the wife back at home whenever a man complains about a poorly-cooked meal. Instead, the barmaid smiles coyly and gets another bottle for ‘his highness’ and mumbles a fake apology. These barmaids know how to build rapport with customers. They know when a man is broke and how to cheer him up. Besides offering pints on credit for the man to drown his sorrows, they are pretty good listeners too. But what do wives do?

They become aggressive, abusive even, at the slightest of whiff of a broke man. That’s when they sleep in coveralls or dirty leggings to dissuade the man from entertaining any ‘relief’ thoughts. So should I blame you for falling for a barmaid? Hell no. Yours truly keeps several of them. Thank god for barmaids. I respect their hustle…and they keep wives on their toes!

Big Man Wamkulu

NOTE: You can now send your problems to BMW via WhatsApp number: +265 998-110-975. No calls please!

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