I think my hubby is leading double life

Dear BMW,

Since my best friend’s husband was caught cheating with the maid, I have been sleeping with one eye open. I do not trust my husband or any man because these male species of Homo sapiens can do anything with any woman any time. They have no feelings or love for the women they marry.

To make matters worse, I have been reading stories on social media of men having children with other women behind the wife’s back. So, lately I have been spending so much time trying to figure out who my husband is. What is he up to and who he hangs out with.

I am trying to find out what he does on his laptop, with his phone and where he actually works. I have been looking at his clothes to find traces of lipstick and searching his pockets for love notes. I have been searching his car for earrings or any clothing; shoes, panties or perfume bottles which might have been left by a woman.

I have been rummaging through his wardrobe to find something that might give me a clue of his real life because I do not think he is who he is. I want to prove it, that my husband is leading a double life. But how can I catch him?

Help me, please.

Mary via WhatsApp, Lilongwe

Dearest Mary,

If I were a woman, a married woman, I would sleep with one eye open 24/7. So on that one, I feel you. I believe you have every right to suspect your husband because no man I know—dead or alive—is honest. What about the parish priest, you may ask? Well, I do not trust that man either or approve of his actions. I see him drool at women in church all the time. I do not trust him. Actually, I do not trust him or myself when it comes to women!

Men, my dear Mary, are funny creatures. Oh yes, they are. I am tired of horror stories about innocent women marrying ‘fine young men with lots of dough’, only to find out much later—after the wedding night, yes after he has plundered the goods—that such men were actually living on loans, and were once married to other women and have children. I am tired comforting girls who were warned by their parents to stay away from bad men, but they got glued to such men like jelly until they found out much later that the man has four other women in his life.

Actually, it’s not only poor men in ‘shit hole’ countries that lead double lives. In the UK and US it’s even worse. Men there can be husbands to a wife during the day and be a wife to another man at night. Do you remember socialite Kim Kardashian’s mother? She got married to a man who was once called Bruce, but is currently going by the name Caitlyn and wearing dresses! That’s men for you!

But should you stoop so low to snoop around? Hell no! That is not the way to go, my dear. There are many ways you can kill your rat. Just stop tinkering with his phone. Stop trying to figure out passwords on his laptop when he is in the shower or toilet, because that is a lot of work.

Relax and make him believe you don’t care much about where he is or what he does with his phone. Pounce on him when he has let his guard down. But when that time comes, be prepared to shed gallons of tears or to lose him because what you will find in his closet will not be skeletons but trash that will break your heart forever.

Be careful what you wish for. Zinazi osamaziyamba dala.

Big Man Wamkulu

NOTE: You can now send your problems to BMW via WhatsApp number: +265 998-110-975. No calls please!

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