Introducing Interfaith International Prayer-house
We are pleased to inform our friends, fiends, president, members of Parliament, councillors, churchgoers, mosque-goers, nyabinghi house goers, witches and wizards, herbalists and practitioners of Western medicine, atheists and traditionalists that we have founded a new missionary institution. We have tentatively named it the Bottom Up Interfaith International Prayer house (Malawi Limited). We have registered it with the registrar of faith institutions for purposes of tax payment. We do not want to pretend, like others, that our prayer house is merely there for salvation and godly issues. Our interest is to prove to the world and to the Malawian leadership that God’s work and message are a viable business and money-spinner and, therefore, liable to taxation.
We will be paying taxes voluntarily to lead by example. We will be periodically making public statements about the money we will be collecting from our members. In so doing, we will be setting an example to the President, Cabinet ministers, Members of Parliament and church leaders that all people who earn money should pay taxes. We mean all. If some people create policies to advantage themselves to receive salaries for their lifetimes, those people should be taxed for their lifetime and beyond. Even when they are dead, they should be taxed. We mean the Speaker of Parliament. We mean herbalists. All.
Our prayer house is interfaith and internationalist because we have borrowed ideas from Islam, Christianity, Buddhism, Rastafarianism, witchcraft and sorcery, and even Thindwaism. We will naturalize, contextualize and internationalise God and salvation. We will allow people to drink and get drunk, to bewitch and be bewitched. We will not stop people from attending traditional ceremonies. We will not. What matters most to us is that all members should be paying regularly.
When necessary, we will be praising God for the good life, particularly the money our followers will be paying, donating and tithing. At times, we will be condemning and cursing God if things do not go in our favour. We will also be praising the politicians, particularly the President, the First Lady and the Cabinet because we are pretty aware that these people can decide to ban us from this country. Although we are international, we want Malawi to be our headquarters because the citizens are extremely warm-hearted towards anything to do with God and heaven. Malawians are very soft when it comes to supporting anyone who mentions God and heaven.
From here, we will spread to the world. We will establish chapters in the UK, USA, EU, Russia, Zambia, Tanzania, Somalia, Northern Nigeria, Northern Iraq, North Korea, Ukraine and Iceland. We will not discriminate against anybody. Members from other faiths and religious jurisdictions will be free to join us as long as they are ready to pay fixed sums of money.
One thing, though, will not happen. All vacancies are filled. We have already decided on the structure of the leadership of the Bottom Up International Interfaith Prayer-house (Malawi LTD). Abiti Joyce Befu, MG 66, will remain the head of both the Bottom Up Expedition and assume the leadership of our organisation. Her full appellation henceforth is Chief Apostle Abiti Joyce Befu, MG 66. Jean-Philippe LePossoin is now the Deputy Chief Apostle and his full title from now on is Deputy Chief Apostle Sheikh Jean-Philippe Lepossion, SC (Retired). Native Authority Mandela is now Assistant Chief Apostle (Congregational Discipline). We have since appointed our newly recruited friend, Innocett Mawayawaya, Junior Chief Apostle as personal assistant to the Chief Apostolate (Communication Strategy, Public Relations, Publications, and Social Media Propaganda) while I am the Deputy Chief Apostle (Treasury and Budget Affairs and sole signatory to the organisation’s accounts).
Now that information about the 177 farm tractors and 144 maize shellers President Bingu wa Mutharika bought on our behalf is slowly coming in, we have decided to hold our first public event next week to bless and praise those who have been patriotic to the cause and condemn and curse those who think farm tractors are not a serious issue. We will pray and empower (using the book of Isaiah) those who pay taxes but still do not see any urgency in claiming their rights. We will pray and curse those who shoot civilian aircraft and kill innocent people. We will pray and curse those nations that side with murderers of children of, men and women in Gaza, Israel, Ukraine, India, South Africa and Malawi.
However, if they repent and pay enough money for their forgiveness and salvation, we will forgive them (on behalf of God).
