Is this love or abuse?

When Mary Kalowa, 25, met Graham, she was over the moon. She had waited so long to find a boyfriend after her break up two years before.

But soon she would learn this new relationship was a nightmare.

Early in their relationship, Graham would constantly check on her. She thought he must really love her to call all the time to find out what she was up to.

“The other time I went shopping. I got a call from Graham to ask where I was. He asked me to send him a picture from where I was and send to him as proof. I complied. Another time, I went to see a movie with my sister. As usual he called to check on me. When I said I was with my sister, he said; ‘oh I haven’t spoken to her in a while, give her the phone and let me just hear how she is doing’, and I did,” she says.

Mary thought it wss love until it started getting worse. She could not miss his calls, he would ask what she was doing to miss them. She had to respond to every text he sent, promptly, otherwise he would ask what got her so busy she could not respond.  It went to the extent that when Mary worked night shifts he would come along and wait for her until the shift was over.

Many people mistake such behaviour for love, but it can be emotional abuse as one woman on social media whose friend is going through a similar problem in her marriage observes.

“Marriage is not a prison. She is a prisoner in her own home and that is not healthy. Such men need to be told that what they are doing is wrong. Maybe they do not realise it. He probably thinks that is love,” she says.

Chancellor College counselling psychologist and lecturer Tilinao Lamba notes that emotional abuse is more common than many people realise because it is not accompanied by visible bruises or scars like physical abuse does.

She says most people tend to ignore it or assume it is not as serious.

Lamba notes that most victims of emotional abuse are unaware they are being abused.

“In some cases, victims of emotional abuse will try to discount their experience by saying, ‘at least I am not being beaten up physically.’ Others may see the possessive and controlling behaviour of their partners as a demonstration of love.

“Still others may be convinced they have brought it on themselves and so they deserve to be treated that way such as being ridiculed or criticised by their partners in public,” she says.

In addition, Lamba says some people try to justify the abuse and make excuses for the abuser by defending their partner as ‘work stressed’ or ‘difficulty upbringing.’

“If you feel happy, valued, appreciated, admired and respected, then the actions of your loved one are healthy expressions of love. If at the end of the day you feel sad, afraid, anxious, embarrassed, stupid or unappreciated, then it is emotional abuse,” she explains.

Chancellor College sociologist Charles Chilimampunga agrees that such abuse is happening in many homes and that the consequences thereof might be mistrust between husband and wife and strain in a relationship.

He says in a case where a husband is constantly checking up on the wife, refusing her to have social relationships with other people forces a woman to cheat.

“There is need to give the woman or man some kind of freedom in a relationship. She needs to be able to express herself, go out with her friends and generally have fun and not being constrained to one place.

“Men who engage in such behaviour are usually weak, the kind that lack confidence in them. They have an inferiority complex,” he observes. n