Juju is not working, should I leave him?

Dear BMW,

My husband is a cheating bastard so I was advised by older women to get charms to stop him from straying.

The woman I visited advised me that as I am bewitching my husband, I should try to show him respect, be clean and willing to learn more sex skills because men want to see new things whenever they want to sleep with women.

When leaving, she told me to show her my right-hand palm. She examined it and assured me that I do not have a chance with men – that most of them just want to use me and dump me. But she said that since I had come to her place, all my marital woes would be history.

Since I was the problem, the woman instructed me to blow the pipe she was smoking and say my husband’s name and things I want him to start doing.

She told me the words I should say. For example:1 “Maliko, I am the only woman you should love, provide for and think of all the time. Give me all the money I ask for. You should never marry another woman, involve me in your plans and obey my suggestions.”

This was done and I paid the woman huge sums of money. But a month later, my man still sleeps around.

BMW, I want to know if there are really herbs to make a promiscuous man faithful. I do not want my man to bring sexually transmitted diseases and infect me.  Are there efficient traditional herbs to make a man faithful to his wife?

Help Please,

Lady Anapuna,

via WhatsApp, Bangwe Proper, Blantyre

Dear Anapuna,

Your name sounds like salty water, but that is okay. And by the way, how can you call your so-called husband a bastard? Do you know who and what a bastard is?

That as it may be, you are being awkward, a rural vegetarian kind. Whether I am happy about it or not is food for another day.

But in the first place, why entrust your marital bed to a sangoma? You may think I am weird, but that is just what you did. It’s like telling your friend in confidence all what you are going through only to get it all from the friend’s enemy at 2:30pm.

I can take every iota of my thoughts, but I end up knowing the greatest thing your head carries is a hat. That is, knowing your brain has the most minimal elements any psychoanalyst can think of

Look, can’t you see that your sangoma is only telling you your own story? Your story may be a melodrama, but you are being sold a dummy by her.

Your story looks like those stupid narratives I was exposed to at the local education authority. Woman in love. Man infidel like a mongrel. Woman finds away with herbs. Man turns into a lizard and everything happens happily ever after. Or else, he eats her up.

Get a life. There is no cage for a man. There is no cage for love. If you buy one, show me the shop.

Tonde wadula apapa mayi. And if at all you will have to get him back, be the sangoma. Otherwise, mudyeredwapo za career.

Before you can do anything, go on your own to take tests. This man has infested diseases in you. Ingopitani kuchipatala mukayezetse, vibromycing, ampicilin, pennyslin and other staff will just throw themselves away.

To come to your question, never desert him. You know his secrets and mighty deeds. It may be in bed, where you are apparently a total failure.

You already went into smoking that dagga through the sing’anga’s pipe and you thought their thing would work, but here you are, lost in translation. All your worries will vanish once the dagga goes. Merry Christmas.