Malawi is best country in the world

Malawi is the best country in the world. Many people will frown at the declaration and call us all those nice names in their arsenal.  Our response to the insults and swear words will always be that they are free to do so because Malawi is the best place to live.

Here in this great country, flowing with natural honey and cow milk, you are free to say anything about anyone without fear of reprisals.

You can call your president a fool, a donkey, a monkey, a hyena, a one-eyed anaconda and you will still be able to sleep freely for years on end. You can swear at your pastor or Imam and the pastor or Imam will pray for you and show you the way to paradise or jannat. Only in Malawi can that happen.  Where else?

Malawi is the best country in the world.

In Malawi, you can be convicted of a serious crime, and be jailed but in the night of the first day of jailing you can find yourself among the free. No one, not even the police, will re-arrest you.

In Malawi, you can fail all examinations and still have the coveted Modern School Certificate Education (MSCE). Where else can that happen?

Malawi is the best country in the world.

In Malawi, you can pass an interview you never attended. Remember that chief executive officer of a public parastatal organisation.

He got shocked for coming tops in an interview he had never attended but still accepted the job he had been offered.

This country, Malawi, is the best place to live.

We have a prized friend who got his PhD before he  attempted his bachelor’s degree.  We called him Reverse-Gear. He worked his way down after getting his PhD. Six (as in 6) months after getting his PhD, he got both his Master’s and bachelor’s degrees from his alma mater.

Not surprisingly, he was accepted by the system and he still uses his reverse earned qualifications. And you still believe Malawi is not the best place to be?

Our other friend became chief executive officer of a public company. His first task was to personally check and verify the qualifications of all the employees of the public company he had found.  He personally sanitised all files, removing copies of certificates that he considered undesirable until his diploma in community policing emerged as the highest qualification in that public company. And no one complained.

Last week, esteemed members of our mighty Bottom Up Party (BUP) asked the MaNche to urgently conduct an academic awards audit to flush out fake certificates from the system.

Before the MaNche itself answered, we received an avalanche of complaints from people we don’t know. They accused us of witch-hunting and being jealous of successful people.

In Malawi, the worst crime you can commit is to spill a friend’s drink.  Marrying four women or men is acceptable.

Stealing and sharing the proceeds of your crime with your religious institution is not frowned upon. Lying is not an issue.

Remember that great politician who lied that Malawians were being recruited to fight for Israel against Hamas? And people even praised him for his nice lie.

And the worst job you can aspire to is that of president. If you are impatient. If you have underlying conditions, such as HBP, do not deliberately become president of Malawi because all the problems of the country will be heaped upon you. 

If a child spoils his beddings, the president is at fault. If the bus is late, the president is at fault. If there is no rain, the president is to be blame. If there is too much rain, of course, the president is at fault.

Malawi is a nice country where all citizens are nice save the ever-faulty president.