Mashuga zero, please help!

Dear BMW,

I am 28 and my husband is 30. I married him two years ago and we do not have a child yet. But that is not the problem I have with him.

Biggy, ever since he started doing things with me, I hardly feel him or what he is doing. The problem has led to several breakdowns in communication because I am always left frustrated and unsatisfied. I bark at him at every provocation because I am starving.

I love my man to death. He is a good hubby. He provides, buys me nice things and is rarely out late. On the rare occasion, when he goes out drinking with his buddies, he observes his visa rules. He always texts or calls to update me on his whereabouts. He is honest and caring.

I have wanted to tell him that he hardly satisfies me in bed, but I do not know where to start as I do not want to offend him. I want him to see a doctor so that he can get the necessary help. However, I feel that if I tell him to his face that he does not take me up to Sapitwa, he will take a rope and hang himself or leave me.

What should I do?

TMR, Zomba via WhatsApp


You are a bundle of contradictions, really. You say you hardly feel, yet you also say you love him to death.

Better shame the devil, it is not him that you love, but his dough. You love his gravy to hell, that is why you are into him two solid years without getting your satisfaction.

Trouble is, communication is not one of your capabilities. Your skills in bed leave a lot to be desired. Some of your colleagues know how to tell a man how to do it right in the course of things. Action is the most proficient of languages.

Even out of the bed, your communication skills are just damn dumb. You mean you can’t tell him your worries just because you don’t want to offend him? That, to say the least, is childish. Which is why I rightly conclude you are just into him for the money.

It clearly shows, where you say he buys you nice things.

And, wait. You are in for worse things. You think he is honest because he obeys your visa rules. Let me tell you this hard truth: Men are hard to tame. This snake is biting your heel and iwe ukumva kukoma.

The most unfaithful men are the ones who text their wives every now and then, talking of their whereabouts and giving reassurances of their love. Snakes in the grass are we men and women who scarcely comprehend that. You are in this snare.

Misogyny is not in my diction, but I will tell you like it is, it is foolhardy for you to believe he is not seeing someone else. He is. Since you breakdown communication with him, and can’t tell him where he has it wrong in bed, he finds solace in somebody else who tells him how steamy his encounters are, the one who tells him where to touch, what  to  do to take her to la-la land. And you, miserable as you are, you find better satisfaction in his earthly possession than what he does in bed.

And, don’t make the mistake of trying to dump him. He is not in the wrong, you are. If you do, he will find your replacement without an effort, just like breathing. And you, you will continue withering and suffering in silence until Jesus is arrested in America for coming back too early.

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