Presidential, OPC public relations gone awry
We are here in the City of Mzuzu located in Mzimba and NKhata Bay. We came here for many purposes. Principally, we came to continue with our national auditing of agricultural extension planning areas (EPAs) to trace the 177 farm tractors and 144 maize shellers bought for us, smallholder farmer by our great late former president, Ngwazi Professor Dr Webster Tom Bingu wa Mutharika, the only one who fulfilled Kamuzu’s dream of being Life President of Malawi. We are pleased to inform you that we have located two farm tractors at Lunzu in Blantyre, one more in Nkhatokota and one maize sheller at Nsipe in Ncheu.
So, you can understand that our task is far from nearing the finishing line. However, we are determined to forge on, come rain or sunshine. We will visit even the remotest areas of Malawi, former, dead, and present cabinet ministers’, presidents’, ambassadors’ and presidential advisors’ farms in Malawi and beyond. Yes, we not give up the search until all our farm tractors and maize shellers are found.
We also came to Mzuzu to cheer our president, the President of Malawi, His Excellency Ngwazi (?) Professor Emeritus Dr Arthur Peter Mutharika on his ascension to the post of Chancellor of Mzuzu University, one of the many achievements of President Bakili Muluzi’s government, which President Bingu wa Mutharika, reportedly and allegedly planned to close down.
We have found lodging in a dusty but up and coming low density area. Yes, new Katoto and its neighbouring Masasa township, now renamed Hilltop, are changing. New houses with “cashgate” iron roofing are sprouting. Mzuzu is changing and growing. Our lodge, Hillview, is a small but clean place with extremely courteous and friendly staff, negotiable rates and delicious à la carte meals.
As soon as we arrived here, at Hillview, Deputy Chief Apostle Sheikh Jean-Philippe LePossoin, SC (retired) asked for a cup of coffee. Chief Apostle Abiti Joyce Befu, MG 66, Deputy Chief Apostle Native Authority Mandela and Assistant Deputy Chief Apostle Innocett Mawayawaya, A3 (Achoke Achoke Achoke) asked for fantakoko. I asked for the real drink that separates men from sachet boys, Chivas Mikhito, on the rocks.
“Chivas Mikhito?” The gaily dressed young man who was getting our order wondered.
“Yes. It’s a gorgeous double refined Malawian whisky inspectors general of police, presidents, cabinet ministers, pastors and apostles drink,” I explained.
“Tilije,” the young man said, smiling like a prophet of a commercial church that has just collected money from its unsuspecting congregation.
“Give me a rock shandy of two tots of Mzuzu Dry Gin on the rocks and two table spoonfuls of Chikwina pilipili.”
“Have you joined Boko Haram? What are you trying to concoct?” Sheikh Jean-Philippe asked as the inn-keeper walked away to the kitchen.
I smiled. Abiti Joyce Befu and Native Authority Mandela also beamed like Chinese siamese twins.
“What does OPC stand for in Malawi?” Sheikh Jean-Philippe asked as he flipped through that day’s Daily Chimes newspaper.
“Office of the President and Cabinet. Anything the matter?” A3 responded with borrowed authority.
“So, President Arthur Peter Mutharika refused to endorse his own office’s proposal to raise salaries for his own cabinet ministers. What kind of farce is this?” Sheikh Jean-Philippe went on, sarcastically.
“What do you mean?” A3 asked.
“OPC and the President are one institution and this one institution created the salary proposals for cabinet ministers. How can the President be said to have shot down the salary proposals he was already aware of? By the way who released this information to the public? The same OPC? This is the mother of all comedies or presidential public relations gone awry,” Jean-Philippe concluded.
“Indeed, it doesn’t make sense,” Native Authority Mandela chipped in “Someone is trying create an impression in Malawians that Mutharika is a caring president, but my suspicion is that the salaries have already been awarded.”
“By the way, do you know how much your president earns per month?”Jean-Philippe asked.
“President Hastings Kamuzu Banda used to earn about 20 times the salary of his ministers,” I said.
“That is 30 years ago. I mean today. Hic et nunc,” Jean-Philippe said slowly emphasising every word.
“You can just extrapolate,” Native Authority Mandela said jokingly.
“What? 20 times K600,000 every month!” A3 exclaimed, “Achoke, Achoke, Achoke!”
“I don’t think that figure is correct,” I opined.
