Wife’s gym mate is watering her lawn

Dear BMW,

I have been prompted to write you after reading one of the Editor’s notes in one of the editions of Everywoman in this newspaper. My wife of eight years has been attending one of the popular gyms in town for the last three years and I was excited about her change in lifestyle and health-watching. Lately, she has not been herself following the birth of our two children, therefore, she badly wanted to return to shape and look sexy again for me.

She went on a shopping spree in South Africa to buy beautiful gym attires that really exaggerated contours on her body, revealing every detail that any man would only want to be the one to see in the bedroom. However, just three weeks ago, I was tipped that she was seeing a gym mate. I did not confront her immediately, but decided to investigate. I went undercover, observing every gym session, in particular the aftermath. Lo and behold, I was shocked to see people paring up, some even smooching in cars after every session.

My trusted wife, I was shocked, was also with a man at the car park and left together in separate vehicle, upon which I followed. Their destination was some hideout in town where they continued their display of uncontrollable affection, to my disgust. At home that evening, I confronted her armed with information. Her attempt to deny eventually failed as I narrated in detail what I had found out during my 10-day spying mission at her gym. But she turned on me, accusing me of negligence and loss of love. She complained that I did not love her anymore and I was the cause of her change. She says she misses attention and rough sex—which she says she is now getting from the pumped up gym mate.

I am in a fix BMW, as I am indeed lazy in the bedroom and I do not work out. Should I join her gym or divorce her?

Big Ben, via WhatsApp

Dearest Big Ben,

Your wife’s gym mate did what any sane man would have done when faced with a sexually-starved, attention-seeking woman who wears “beautiful gym attires that reveal every detail that any man would only want to be the one to see in the bedroom”. Every man, of course, but you.

Any woman whose her husband is negligent, pays her scant attention and denies her sex, not to speak of rough sex, would have done what your wife did. Every woman bar none!

You got married to an honest woman who demands nothing of you than her pound of flesh which you swore to give her when you pledged “I do”. Matrimonial vows could never have been clearer when they speak of “to have and to hold”. Your woman is flesh, bone and blood, the sum of which has its weaknesses and desires which must be satiated at all times.

When she started going to the gym, she was sending you a coded message about your neglect. The gym was supposed to be her rebirth, a means of restocking your fires, but from your narrative, that initiative failed.

Your woman doesn’t want you to join the gym; she wants you to be a man who pays her some attention.

Divorcing her or starting hitting the gym is throwing in the towel. No sane man would be seen in that position even at their weakest point. Every man, of course, but you.

Sending her to RSA to buy sexy outfits doesn’t cut the mustard. Neither does spoiling her with gifts. Listen, sometimes you should pay some attention to local music. Take Lucius Banda’s ‘Mtima Wako (Sijakuzi)’, for instance. It’s not about the gym. It’s not about your shopping. It’s about your duty as a person and as a husband. Your duty as husband is not to be her secret admirer, who spies on her as she is having fun with her flame of the moment.

While we are at it, please stop following your wife wherever she’s going. I am giving that advice for health reasons. Psychologists and cardiologists warn strongly against it. It can lead to nothing but emotional pain and heartache. And who knows where that might lead. You could drop dead from a massive heart attack. Once that happens, your wife’s inhibitions will be buried with you. And then her gym mate will have all the time in the world to peel off the beautiful gym attires that “reveal every detail that any man would only want to be the one to see in the bedroom”.

If I were you I would pay attention to my wife. At the rate this situation is going, her lawn might be flooded one of these days (if you catch my drift). Kunja kuno kuli apumbwa; ngati sukufuna kuti akudyere chipwete umayenera kuchibisa. Ulesi eti!

I, BMW, have spoken.

NOTE: You can now send your problems to BMW via WhatsApp number: +265 998-110-975. No calls please!

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