Yes, BEAM, Malawi is extremely dirty

We are pleased. And we mean it. Malawi is extremely dirty. As people who have travelled to, lived, dined, drank and slept in countless places across this Cashgate country, we, Chief Apostle Professor Abiti Joyce Befu, MG 66, Deputy Chief Apostle Jean-Philippe LePoission, SC (retired), Deputy Chief Apostle Native Authority Mandela, Assistant Chief Apostle Inocett Mawayawaya, Achoke Achoke Achoke (A3), and I totally agree with and support First Lady, Gertrude Mutharika’s Beautify Malawi (BEAM)’s attempt at cleaning us up.

Malawi is a very dirty country. Its rivers are polluted and they stink.  Its sewage systems are ever blocked and they stink. Some of its lakes are polluted with human waste, animal waste and floral waste and they stink. Yes, Malawi is very dirty; extremely dirty; unforgivably dirty and stinky.

We welcome Lady Mutharika’s BEAM since we want it to beam on this country’s environmental  policies and practices.  We don’t need to be reminded that Kamuzu Banda, despite his harshness, death and darkness totalitarianism and terroristic practices, championed the environment because he understood its value and link to human health and attendant longevity.  Some have questioned his tobacco estates policies and blamed them for depleting this country’s tree cover. However, those who decide to remember will recall that during dictator Kamuzu Banda’s reign, less trees were cut down than were planted. Those who don’t want to hide the truth will remind Malawi, Carlsberg Breweries Malawi; yes, the same Carlsberg Breweries company used to sponsor reforestation programmes. Yes, Make Malawi Green with Green. Where did that environment friendly project go?  Yes, Malawi is dirty because our national  development policies fail to encourage the up-scaling of what works.

Yes, our mountains, lakes, rivers and lands are bare today majorly because of lack of foresight by two governments, the United Democratic Front (UDF) and the Democratic Progressive Party (DPP). These two parties, knowingly or not, ruined this country’s environment back to back.

“Why do you blame the two parties?” Chief Apostle Professor Befu inquired.

“The UDF is the party that oversaw the destruction of Zomba Mountain, Ndirande Mountain, where Aubrey Kalitera’s film, To Ndirande Mountain with Love was shot…”

“You mean, Ndirande Mountain once had thick natural vegetation like what we see in that film?”Professor Befu wondered.

“Correct, but UDF’s failed environmental policies and populist politics denuded that mountain and many others. Had MMCT not worked to protect Mount Mulanje, that pristine tourist attraction would also have been naked by now,” I went on.

“But the people of Mulanje don’t want MMCT!” Deputy Chief Apostle Native Authority Mandela asked.

“And what is MMCT?” A3 asked.

“Mulanje Mountain Conservation Trust,” Professor Befu answered.

“And why do you blame the DPP for?” A3 went on.

“The DPP presided over the massacre of the Chikangawa Forest and many such areas. Because of the murder of the tree cover there, the temperatures have soared in and around Chikangawa,  Mzimba, Nkhata Bay and even Mzuzu City. Even water levels in rivers that start from there have gone down,” I explained.

“You just hate our DPP!”  A3 said, laughingly.

“The First Lady of Malawi has a gigantic task before. Her charity will need money. Where will she get the requisite resources?” Native Authority Mandela commented.

“Fundraising!  Only last week she managed to raise K55 million from those who came to eat State food,” I responded.

“What will happen when her husband, the President leaves office? Will the BEAM  charity, trust or company still operate?” Deputy Chief Apostle Jean-Philippe, asked.

“Why do doubt? By the time the couple leaves office in 2024, they will have made enough money to continue their charitable environmental activities. If one fundraising event raised K55 million with nothing else to pay, how much will 100 such events raise?” Professor Befu said.

“Well, I asked because I read somewhere that presidential charities in Malawi don’t last beyond incumbency,” Jean-Philippe said.

“By the way, does the Second Lady have a charity?”  Native Authority Mandela asked.

“Second Lady?” I wondered.

“I mean, the Vice-President’s wife must be the Second Lady. No?”

Before anybody could answer, our Hillside Lodge innkeeper, who has looked after us like precious heirs to a Tonga Crown, came and told us food was ready pa thebulo. n