You are not a charity case!

Oftentimes on social media people come and vent their frustrations. One of the issues that have popped up on numerous occasions is the issue of supporting parents.

Many married women go about complaining that their husbands are not being fair. They complain that their husbands are only financially supporting their own parents and not their parents-in-law. The women will go on and on complaining about how men are selfish and how they keep on sending money and groceries to their own parents while completely ignoring apongozi.

Now here is my take: Superficially speaking, the husband is expected to financially support both his parents and his apongozi. But truthfully speaking, supporting apongozi is not really his responsibility.

Women can’t force their husbands on this one. What I have observed is that many women have this deep-rooted expectation that a man will take care of them as well as their family. While it is true that a man must take care of his family, it is also important to note that this does not extend to his wife’s family. That is expecting too much from him.

Women must rise up and be their own funders. Being married is not employment. Yes, as a married woman, it feels good to have your husband take care of you. But this does not mean as a woman you have to sit waiting for a man to do everything for you. Time and time again I have seen women suffering in marriages because they have no source of income. Many stay in marriages like charity cases waiting for hubby dearest to buy them even the smallest of things.

In life we all go through phases. Yes, there will come a time when you will be jobless and have no means of income. But this must be a temporally scenario. Having no source of income permanently brings untold misery to a woman. And then when that woman wants to support her parents back home she wants the same husband who is feeding her, sheltering her and making sure all her needs are met to also take on the responsibility of supporting her parents. That is too much.

That is why we always encourage women to never look at marriage as a career but companionship. The man you married also comes from a family and parents who also look up to him for financial support. You cannot expect him to adopt the whole village just because he married you! When a woman sets her expectations from her husband too high, she sets herself on a path of disappointment. Another person can never fulfil your expectations 100 percent. It’s crucial to rise up as women and start hustling. This ‘thing’ of thinking that having a man is having a source of income and livelihood should be thrown to the gutters. I have oftentimes met women suffering immensely after their marriages fail or after their spouses die. Why? Because apart from being ‘good wives’ there was nothing else that they were doing to sustain their lives.

Yes, we have good men out there who are willing to hussle for their family so that their wives can sit home and relax. But is this sustainable? In the event of life eventualities, what then? That is why when a woman does nothing to sustain herself she becomes her husband’s charity case. Out of love he may do one or two things for her parents, too. But in the long run, even the husband will get tired. Wake up ladies, you are not your husband’s charity cases!