‘Don’t be apologetic about marital status’

Paida Mpaso August 3, 2013

3 4 minutes read

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White: Gender equality means respect for each other

During her trip to the North, President Joyce Banda spoke on the need for women to be respectful to their husbands and avoid the indulgence of gender activists, claiming many of them are divorced. But renowned gender activist Seodi White was not amused. In this interview with Paida Mpaso, White explains why she was dissappointed by the statement.

It seems you were agitated by the President speech in which she called on women to respect their husbands and disregard advice from divorced gender activists. Why do you have a problem with that statement?

First of all, we know very well that no sane activist has gone to the villages of Malawi and into the homes of people to tell them to be rude to their husbands. This is a mere fabrication meant as an attack on women’s rights activism. It was off-putting because not only was it highly un-presidential, but it was extremely uncalled for. Let’s remember this: The President has rode on the back of the women’s movement to get to where she is and that her current marriage is a second one meaning she [was] divorced like the rest of us and, therefore, she is in no position to castigate women rights activists nor divorced women.

QWhat exactly made you angry about this statement?

I am deeply saddened because the remarks demonised a category of women, divorced women. Such remarks have a danger of creating a situation whereby Malawian women become embroiled in highly abusive relationships because they are embarrassed with the stigma of divorce. Secondly, that Malawian girls will not look at education as a way out of poverty, but will seek marriages early so to acquire the utopianised status of a married woman as put by the President. Thirdly, that it will create the illusion that the only form of family acceptable as valid in Malawi are those that have mummy daddy and child and yet we know Malawi has many types of family; single female-headed households, single male-headed households, child-headed households, grandma-headed households and the list goes on. The President has a duty to validate all these family institutions because they do exist in Malawi.

But don’t you think the President was at liberty to express her opinion on this matter?

The way she expressed herself was castigating [in] a contemptuous fashion. You wouldn’t believe it was female head of State. I was shocked.

What made you think she was targeting divorced gender activist?

It was an attack on female activism and an attack on divorced women and I fall into both categories. I have always said that true activism is one where you defend those who can’t defend themselves. For me, an attack by the head of State or any other persons in a position of influence on women due to their gender is an attack on me. An attack on any activist is an attack on me. I remain shocked with the fact that people are asking; was she talking about you? Do they really believe as an activist who carries the identity of divorced activist would keep quiet in such a scenario? Where is the leadership? Where is justice?

There is this observation that a number of female gender activists are divorced or unmarried. Is it just a coincidence or could it be that the principles of gender activism don’t really sit well with family values?

If we, Malawians, want to believe that the only divorced person in Malawi is Seodi White then we are lying to ourselves. Look around you; how many divorced women and men do you see? Are these activist? Marriage in Malawi is a reality and divorce is a reality, death and widowhood are a reality. Anyone who refuses to see that doesn’t live in Malawi.

What kind of women , do you think, should offer marital advice?

You know Paida, gone are the days when we should even spend time on a national newspaper debating on who should give marriage advice and certainly not a President anyway.

Isn’t this an indication that perhaps people are still struggling to embrace the concept of gender equality?

I have said over and over that gender equality means respect for one another. It means women’s freedom from violence which is a serious problem in intimate relationships in this country. I think the online comments that came through show that we have a big problem in this country. Make no mistake I am aware of the patriarchy in this country. But the level of misogyny that keeps coming through is sad.

It has been argued that female gender activists are strong characters to the extent that some men are afraid to marry them…

I think it’s true that men are generally afraid of strong women. It takes a strong man who believes in himself and is not insecure not to be intimidated by an equally strong woman. One of the saddest things is when I see women who have such high level potential de-maximise their potential in order to keep a man. Everything they could have done and achieved is put in the dust bin in order to hold on to a man who has a low self-esteem. It’s a sad, sad story.

What do you want Malawians to know about gender equality in relation to family?

I want Malawian women to know that they have the right to choose how to live: single, married or divorced. That they should never be apologetic about the empowering choices they have made no matter what anyone thinks. That they have the right to personal happiness and have the power to choose an identity that fits their personal agenda. Whatever category they choose to be; they should be safe and love themselves. It’s allowed. It’s the law of the universe.

Paida Mpaso August 3, 2013

3 4 minutes read

For those who have been victim to GBV in intimate relationships (specifically marriage) and those who have witnessed close friends or family suffer through it. The biggest challenge in rising up and getting out is not the lack of legal frameworks or financial fall back to support women in getting out. It is the social stigma (sadly perpetuated by unfortunate comments such as that of H.E.) that divorced woman have some how ‘misbehaved’ and ended up discarded. In most social settings they’re viewed as way ward, impetuous, stubborn, unfaithful, rude, aggressive – you name it. So often times rather than face the silent social ‘punishment’ and exclusion, women will stay in unhealthy intimate relationships.
As a head of state, or anyone in a position of influence, statements such as these are irresponsible and unnecessary. People listen and take to heart what their leaders say and the more senior, the wider their span of influence. As such, public podiums are not a forum to air personal opinions. Once appointed to certain office the reality is that your personal opinions must not override your public agenda and responsibility to communicated in a balanced, fair and just manner.
Women still suffer very much from the established bias of patriarchy against women. For divorced women and matured single women, the social exclusion makes the struggle of getting through life, career, relationships and other much harder. Whether women are married or single or divorced that should not be a factor when it comes to advancing the gender cause. It’s shallow and disappointing to reduce the gender agenda to whether a woman has a man in her life or not!
Naturally, and research has shown that stronger more successful women have much tougher choices in terms of pursuing a career vs a family; supressing ambitions and talents to maintain the patriarchal equation of man on top woman behind supporting; or staying single etc. This shift also poses a challenge to men who aren’t socialised to partner well with successful strong women – I won’t go into masculine identity issues now. The point is, as our society evolves and gender and social roles shift both men and women and are on path to creating a new social construct where these changes can be healthyly accommodated. Having women “behave” will not solve masculine identity issues and castigating women for making non traditional relationship choices will not stop the gender movement.
To me the unfortunate comments from HE were a poor attempt to pacify men by almost inadvertantly saying ” Im so sorry I’m in charge. I’m very clear that it should have been a man, unfortunately it’s me a woman. But not to worry i’m a ‘good woman’ and I know my ‘place’. I know all you men are ultimately in charge and I’ll be sure to remind the other women too.”

3 Comments

Tammy Wu says:

August 25, 2013 at 10:23 PM

For those who have been victim to GBV in intimate relationships (specifically marriage) and those who have witnessed close friends or family suffer through it. The biggest challenge in rising up and getting out is not the lack of legal frameworks or financial fall back to support women in getting out. It is the social stigma (sadly perpetuated by unfortunate comments such as that of H.E.) that divorced woman have some how ‘misbehaved’ and ended up discarded. In most social settings they’re viewed as way ward, impetuous, stubborn, unfaithful, rude, aggressive – you name it. So often times rather than face the silent social ‘punishment’ and exclusion, women will stay in unhealthy intimate relationships.
As a head of state, or anyone in a position of influence, statements such as these are irresponsible and unnecessary. People listen and take to heart what their leaders say and the more senior, the wider their span of influence. As such, public podiums are not a forum to air personal opinions. Once appointed to certain office the reality is that your personal opinions must not override your public agenda and responsibility to communicated in a balanced, fair and just manner.
Women still suffer very much from the established bias of patriarchy against women. For divorced women and matured single women, the social exclusion makes the struggle of getting through life, career, relationships and other much harder. Whether women are married or single or divorced that should not be a factor when it comes to advancing the gender cause. It’s shallow and disappointing to reduce the gender agenda to whether a woman has a man in her life or not!
Naturally, and research has shown that stronger more successful women have much tougher choices in terms of pursuing a career vs a family; supressing ambitions and talents to maintain the patriarchal equation of man on top woman behind supporting; or staying single etc. This shift also poses a challenge to men who aren’t socialised to partner well with successful strong women – I won’t go into masculine identity issues now. The point is, as our society evolves and gender and social roles shift both men and women and are on path to creating a new social construct where these changes can be healthyly accommodated. Having women “behave” will not solve masculine identity issues and castigating women for making non traditional relationship choices will not stop the gender movement.
To me the unfortunate comments from HE were a poor attempt to pacify men by almost inadvertantly saying ” Im so sorry I’m in charge. I’m very clear that it should have been a man, unfortunately it’s me a woman. But not to worry i’m a ‘good woman’ and I know my ‘place’. I know all you men are ultimately in charge and I’ll be sure to remind the other women too.”