Letter to President Mutharika on farm tractors

We are not in the tradition of writing letters to head of State, essentially because we don’t want to be seen to seeking the limelight. However, our commander-in-chief, Abiti Joyce Befu, also known as MG 66, has directed us, his subjects, that is, Sheikh Jean-Philippe LePoisson, Native Authority Mandela, Innocett Mawayawaya and me, to address you, Mr State President, on the issue of farm tractors Ngwazi Professor Bingu wa Mutharika bought for us, Malawians. Our concern is that we, Malawians and our children and their children, will be responsible for repaying the loan. So, we need to know where the farm tractors are and why they are not being used.

“There is something I don’t like about how we have started,” Innocett Mawayawaya complained.

“What is the problem?” Sheikh Jean-Philippe queried.

“The President should be addressed in full: His Excellency President Professor Arthur Peter Mutharika, J.D.,” Mawayawaya offered.

“That’s too long and unnecessary!” Jean-Philippe exclaimed.

“Okey. But don’t call him Mr President, but at least Professor President.”

“Professor President?”

“Yeah,” Mawayawaya said, smilingly approvingly.

“This country is funny. How can a person be a president and professor at the same time?” I asked.

“What’s wrong with that? A professor is somebody with more advanced degrees than a mere doctor,” Mawayawaya explained like an elephant with a chicken’s brain.

“Not necessarily. A professor is senior university teacher. A professor in one university may not qualify as professor in another university,” Jean-Philippe explained.

“Okey. We will address him as Mr, although it sounds demeaning.”

As you well know, Mr President, we are in Ntcheu, the land of the Maseko Ngoni and Vice-President, Saulos Klaus Chilima. And you know who the Maseko Ngoni are. You know that the Maseko Ngoni share the same DNA as President Zuma of South Africa. You know that when they want to tell the truth, the Maseko Ngoni will tell it like it is even if it hurts. If they want to swear, they will swear even in a church, a synagogue, a mosque or a Nyabinghi Order House even if it hurts.

Last night, we were busy drinking fantakoko, amalaula, Ntcheu Brew and Hot Zex at Chingeni. We discussed a number of things including the now Guinness- Book-of-Records cashgate. The issue of your silence during the campaign period and now about the tractors Ngwazi Professor Bingu wa Mutharika bought on loan from India came up. So, although not thoroughly sober, we agreed to write to you urgently.

We are reminding you now so that your reform programme works. We have consulted thoroughly and we believe the Ministry of Agriculture, the Plant and Vehicle Hire Organisation and the Ministry of Transport should be audited and investigated hic et nunc. If you delay, the Malawi Congress Party and the People’s Party will team up and start asking serious questions about your seriousness about transforming agriculture and fighting corruption in Malawi. Since your government has just come in, we understand that it cannot fight future corruption today. However, it can fight past atrocities, including tractorgate, cashgate, and other scandals.

Remember Mr President John Kapito and CAMA Are still around. If you have forgotten, read newspaper archives to understand how bothersome John Kapito and CAMA were to Ngwazi Bakili Muluzi, Ngwazi Bingu wa Mutharika, and Ngwazi Joyce Banda. Right now he is preparing a dossier on the DPP-II administration. Just wait.

Remember, too, that Jessie Kabwila, the mother of academic freedom in Malawi is in Parliament and in the newspapers. Once she gets to know about the missing tractors, the DPP-II information and disinformation team will have problems to defend your government, particularly now that Innocett Mawayawaya is part of this expedition. Remember, Felix Elia Jumbe, the friend and defender of the smallholder farmer in Malawi, is also in parliament. Unfortunately for your administration, both Kabwila and Jumbe are sat on the opposite side of the government. Just wait.

We hope you will find time to institute a commission of inquiry into the whereabouts the farm tractors. By this request, too, we believe the ACB has been informed and since it is pro-active it start investigation into the possible robbery of our farm machinery.

You don’t need to answer this letter. Just act on tractorgate.

Your most obedient and sleepless anti-tractorgate team.