Money and relationship —Is it conditional love?

Last week when I wrote in the column Candid Talk in our sister newspaper Nation on Sunday about conditional love that involves some women giving conditions of being given transport money to visit their boyfriends, the column opened a can of worms. It was very clear from the massive reactions that the column had touched on a raw nerve. These days exchanges of money and affection in relationships these days go hand-in-hand.

Titled ‘When you have to send transport money for love’, the column discussed how these days, love interests demand that they be given money for transport first before they travel to meet a man who is interested in dating or getting to know them better.

In my column I argued against the practice on the basis that a relationship is supposed to be a two –way street. I further argued that I am of the view that if one has to fund everything in the relationship, while the other just receives, then something is amiss-maybe one party is a child, still in school while the other is a grown-up who needs to date people of his own class.

But following its publication, the column garnered varying responses from people of all walks of life and it is clear that this practice is deeply-rooted and is here to stay. 

Random interviews conducted in reaction to the column show that men and women are sharply divided over the matter.

Author and businessperson Richard Muphuwa, described the topic as interesting.

“I assume in Malawi everyone expects a man to send transport money to facilitate movement of his love interest. But if there is no relationship yet, a woman who values herself will up her game and provide her own fare until the relationship blossoms. Then she can demand to be spoiled. Asking for money at the beginning of the dating process is like monetising the process,” he said.

On his part Mayamiko Juma said it is important for a man who is interested to pursue a girl to provide transport fare to show seriousness.

“On the other hand, I think if the relationships involve one party making all the sacrifices in terms of finances, they do not last long. Love involves effort from two sides,” he said.

On his part, Emerson Sam Navaya opposed the practice of giving transport fare to a woman one wants to date or is dating.

He said: “I believe love should be given freely. I recognise that it is not solely about money gestures. Emotional connection and mutual understanding form the foundation of a strong relationship.  

“I also think economic challenges are prevalent in today’s society and as an individual, I must prioritise financial responsibilities over discretionary spending.”

Navaya further said if not checked, dependency can hinder relationship growth.

Another young man in his dating phase, Kento Banda also opposes the practice of sending money to a love interest so that she can visit.

“I don’t agree with this practice at all. A relationship is supposed to be a collective union. If your love interest cannot even provide transportation costs, how would they help you build when things escalate?” he asked.

However, Cosmas Mollen was of a different view saying the topic does not have a one size fits all answer.

He said: “While every relationship is unique and may involve different dynamics, relying solely on one partner signals unhealthy dependency. It is essential for both individuals in the relationship to contribute to the relationship in various ways, including financial aspects.

“When one partner consistently relies on the other, it may create an imbalance of power and dependence which can strain the relationship over time.”

Interestingly almost all female correspondents were in full support of the practice saying men must show their commitment.

“As a woman, I need a man who will demonstrate that he really wants to court me and take care of me,” said Molly Kachitsa.

She added that if a man shows interest in her, he must demonstrate leadership.

Another young lady, a student at one of the public universities in Blantyre, said although she understands that asking for money looks like gold digging, she appreciates a man who takes the initiative.

“I don’t actually ask for transport fare but I expect the man to just give it to me. If he doesn’t, I lose interest,” she said.

On his part, University of Malawi Communication and Culture lecturer Anthony Gunde said over the years, there has been a cultural shift from real romance to what one may call transactional sex.

“It is a very fast growing trend, relationships are not necessarily intimate anymore as they are intertwined with money,” he said.

During a Facebook poll conducted on this author’s Facebook page, over 70 percent of respondents were of the view that it is a man’s responsibility to give his woman transport fare during courtship and dating.