Mother-in-law part of the package I

Something happens the moment a bride says, “I do”.

Not only does she get a husband, but in most cases, a mother-in-law. One of the biggest challenges of married women is getting along well with their mothers in-law. Although this goes for both partners in a marriage, it is the woman who is affected the most. Finding ways to get along with your husband’s mother is crucial for the long-term success of your marriage.

Research shows that about 60 percent of all marriages suffer from tension normally between a woman and her husband’s mother. The nagging, meddling mother-in-law is often the cause of worry.

Many wives complained that most mothers in-law are over-possessive, do not respect boundaries and are insensitive to their emotional needs. An effective strategy for dealing with competitive feelings is to realise that part of your mother-in-law’s possessiveness is natural aspect of being a mother.

Your mother-in-law may never stop feeling that it’s her job to be a caretaker to your husband. Asking her to give up control and let you be the only influential woman in your husband’s life is like asking for the impossible.

Most mothers worry more when sons marry than when daughters do, according to unpublished research. The research revealed that 89 mothers-in-law were asked what they worried about most when a child married. Overwhelmingly, when a son married these women reported more uncertainty and insecurity. The insecurity centred on the son’s relationship with his parents and nuclear family. Will he visit or call less often? Will he spend holidays with the family?

The mothers also reported worrying about their son’s well-being and whether marriage and his wife would change him. Some of their specific concerns: “He’s no longer reliable, due to his wife’s interference.” “His interests have changed dramatically.” “Is he eating enough? My daughter-in-law is a bad cook.” “Is he happy?”

The friction and tensions with know-it-all mothers-in-law come from a parent’s belief that no one is quite good enough for her son. This tension occurs because these are “two women in love with the same man”.

Most of the time, your mother-in-law means no harm. She may just feel out of control and anxious about the fact that you are now in charge of her grandchildren and that you have the say in your household.  Sometimes in her mind, you appear a threat to her relationship with her son, making your relationship with her unsteady.

Some mothers-in-law will be able to work through their feelings and overcome them.  Others will stay stuck in this spot forever and “always have a rocky relationship,” with their daughters-in-law.

Now that you understand why your mother-in-law may behave in an unsavoury fashion, keep an open mind around your mother-in-law and try your best to keep situations upbeat and positive. Next week, we will look at tips of how you can calm the rough seas.