Is social media changing the way we mourn?

On social media these days, it takes only a few minutes after a death announcement before a virtual and fully-fledged memorial ensues.

In an instant, tearful obituaries from heartbroken relations, friends and colleagues of the deceased flood the social media, mourning about how much they would miss the deceased.

While some would recount funny or character-defining stories about the deceased or post memorable pictures, others would send prayers to the bereaved family.

Undeniably, technology has changed the facet of human interaction and mourning is no exception. While some feel the social media has made for an instant way to offer words of comfort to the bereaved, others think the tendency is bang out of order.

“Traditionally, grieving is a private matter and must not be thrust into the public domain,” observed Village Headman Maliwa of Lilongwe.

But Lilian James of Ntcheu would have none of it. Mourning through the social media, she argues, does not mean that people have thrown morals, especially those governing funeral rituals, to the dogs.

“The intentions behind expressing sorrow through facebook, twitter, email or any other social medium are to celebrate the life of the deceased and not to create pain,” argues James.

“Facebook, for instance, is a platform that involves friends and implies a lot of intimacy and to me it’s the most appropriate place to announce significant life passages. Almost every part of our lives intersects with social media and this is true at the end of our lives as well. People find it more convenient to share grief through facebook or twitter or email when they are unable to attend a funeral service,” says james

Village Headman Maliwa, however, feels some people have gone too far in celebrating the life of deceased persons.

“Some headless people go as far as posing for a picture with dead bodies lying in coffins. Funeral selfies take us away from a question of technology to that of respect. You wonder whether the person posting focused on their memories of the deceased, their grief or supporting others who are mourning a loved one.

“This is disrespectful to the deceased; it is narcissistic and offensive. Issues of grief, tradition and rituals matter so much and when one posts a selfie with a dead body, they convey that they aren’t mourning but simply want to attract attention to themselves which I find very selfish. Death is one of the most sensitive parts of life and must be treated as such,” explains Maluwa.

He is also saddened at how memorials are becoming competitive on social media.

“People make fun or joke about the deceased’s life. Sometimes arguments do erupt between people and I don’t think that’s in order,” he says.

Besides, one aspect of facebook has the traditional leader vexed: “When someone ‘likes’ a funeral message, what does that show?”

Social anthropologist Nick Nkhoma admits it is easy to get carried away with this, but cautions the problem comes in because everyone wants to be the first to share a post or comment on a funeral post.

“When someone “likes” a post, for instance, it can mean that they agree with it or that it resonates with them. So, such different interpretations of the same word can be held and this may be problematic for sensitive topics. I feel this is where empathy may help in imagining how a post may be received,” says Nkhoma.

He cautions users of social media to be conscious of their actions for fear of being misinterpreted.

“Technology enables us to do some things but that doesn’t mean we should do everything. The greatest opportunity for humanity is that social media has allowed us to live more consciously but we must be careful with what we say and how we say it,” concludes Nkhoma.