Dear BMW,

My wife of five years is ‘head over heels’ with a politician she has never met in fresh and blood. I understand this politician is young, hot and trends whenever he has done something silly on the podium (I do not have a slight idea what the clown does that makes women warm up to him).

But what has angered me BMW is that last week; my wife confessed that the politician is her true love and the kind of man she would have loved to marry not me. She said she loves him more than she loves me.

Biggie, she adores the fool as if he pays her rent, feeds her mouth and pays for our children’s education. To be raw, my wife adores the idiot as if he died on the cross for our family!

To make matters worse, two nights ago, before the rooster crowed, she woke me up to tell me that the politician was trending on WhatsApp. I was shocked to find her glued to her smartphone and giggling, with tears in her eyes. “Presidential material iyi, osati zinazi,” she said, as she rolled her eyes.

Biggie, I was so livid that she woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me such nonsense. I have been patient with her, but after this incident I can’t have sex with her. In my mind she is cheating on me.

Should I leave her?

BB, via WhatsApp, Likuni

BB,

I am not that privy as to what is presidential material and what is not. So, I was all along trying to decipher who your politician-dating-wife is.

Which is why, I find your problem very much misplaced. You, as it appears, have no clout to make what we should call a man. Hey, you! Wake up please, and spare us the groping in your senseless nightmarish darkness.

For that matter, what man can allow their wife, for a moment, at a politicalrally to sing and dance for the politicians? It is very clear your wife dances for the politicians, whether you love them or not.

To say the truth, you are just a signpost of a husband. No, you are not even a husband because if you were one, how could you tolerate being used and abused in this way? Your wife is not yours.

In the old days, you could have been the kind of men whose wives would report to the youth leaguer that you were not performing in bed. And the party functionary would have you locked up in a police cell.

Please, spare us the rot! I, as BMW, am always laden with flowery language, but I spare it very much for your likes. All indications are that your wife has nothing to do with you. And you stick to her? And you have the nerve to ask me what your next step should be? Please, go and knock at the nearest lunatic asylum and get a really good dose of CPZ.

NOTE: You can now send your problems to BMW via WhatsApp number: +265 998-110-975. No calls please!