Are marriage counsellors relevant?

The process of counseling married couples endeavours to recognise, better manage and resolve bothersome differences and recurring patterns of displeasure between partners.

For a long time, counselling couples has been the responsibility of uncles from either the maternal or paternal side, but with increasing transformation and modernisation, the preference to trained and professional marriage counsellors is growing and for some people, it looks classy.

Martin Chikomba, a Lilongwe-based agriculturist, is of the view that marriage counsellors are irrelevant.

“Methods of sustaining marriage bonds and intimacy are personal. A marriage counsellor can’t create or enforce new emotional bonds in my marriage. What if I don’t want or we have made up our minds as a couple that the status of our relationship has become untenable?

“If a woman views her marriage as abusive, a counsellor can’t tell her otherwise; they just don’t have the power to change a couple’s view of their relationship,” he says.

However, Chikomba also feels that partners in a relationship should be aware of their own contribution to the problem.

It’s everyone’s duty in the marriage to understand the source of rash emotions that compel the pattern, adjust key emotional responses and sustain a sense of intimacy,” he says.

But Kinford Chalera, an economist based in Dedza is of the view that marriage counsellors remain relevant despite modernisation. He argues that relationships will always get nervy and stained, resulting in their not operating optimally.

“There are countless likely reasons for this, including insecure attachment, ego, arrogance, jealousy, anger, greed, poor communication and understanding, problem solving, ill health and more. Changes in financial state and the influence of other family members can have a heavy influence on how and what individuals do in a relationship,” he says.

The economist thinks, therefore, that the importance of marriage counsellors cannot be overemphasised as they are a viable solution to the matrimonial problems and are always handy in setting bruised relationships back on track by reorienting the individuals’ perceptions and emotions.

“How one looks at or responds to situations and feels about them can be objectively analysed by independent counsellors. Counsellors will help you explore collaboratively and discuss differences frankly,” he says.

But can counsellors bring common counterbalancing fulfilment, confidence or intimacy that lead to stability of a relationship?

A Roman Catholic catechist, Jack Chimenya, says it all depends on the specific duties of each partner in every life chapter and maturity. His view is that marriage counsellors only provide basic guiding principles.

“A marriage counsellor will only provide a confidential dialogue which normalises feelings and emotions, [and] offer a mirror with proficiency and capability to reflect the relationship’s difficulties and the possible direction for change,” he says.

Chimenya emphatically declarers that when a marriage ends, it “in fact means it has been ending for a long time.”

“The answer lies in understanding why marriages fail in the first place. Marriage counsellors are often called in at a very late hour when the foundations of the relationship have been eroded beyond repair. Many couples can’t identify what went wrong when their marriages start to fail,” he says.

Village Headman Vubwe of Traditional Authority Chitukula in Lilongwe frowns upon the emergence of professional marriage counsellors saying the trend is making the position of uncles and aunties in the traditional marriage arrangement obsolete.

“It’s an imported phenomenon and it is corroding the very tenets of our culture. Uncles and aunties are no longer respected in the modern society which has robbed them of their most important role in building a stronger and respectful social order,” he says.

The village head doubts that a total stranger, in this case a professional marriage counsellor, can resolve marital disagreements more ably than the couple’s relatives.

“Uncles and aunties who have grown with the couple know them better and can manage their differences more easily. What makes it easy is the respect that these people command in the traditional setting. Uncles and aunties are held in high esteem,” he adds.

Renowned marriage counsellor Reverend Patrick Semphere affirms that the relevance of marriage counsellors in the current society cannot be ignored.

“Counselling is a form of mentoring where someone shares insights and advice to another. We all need mentoring in one way or another,” he says.

He further says counsellors are especially important in preparing young couples for marriage including how they can sustain their love.

“Counsellors play three major roles; prior to marriage, counsellors play the role of preparing the young couple for marriage. Through experience drawn from either their own marriages or the experience of others, they are able to draw wisdom that helps the marriage aspirants prepare well for marriage.

“Secondly, during marriage life, counsellors can help sustain marital love by helping couples rekindle the flame. Thirdly, if couples break up, they need good counselling to help them cope with divorce,” he says.

Semphere, however, says even though marriages can survive without counsellors, a marriage relationship needs some form of third party input at some point.

“None of us is self-contained when it comes to wisdom. We need the input of others.  Marriages can survive without counselling if a car can survive without servicing. On the path of marriage, one encounters experiences which require the input of others.

“Some have reached what looks like the dead end, thinking that the only solution is to quit marriage. In such moments, counselling can make a difference as you discover that your situation is not as hopeless as it appears,” he says.