Ecce, the Tippex government

November 9 2022

And so the crowd brought Jesus Christ to face the law before Pontius Pilate. Pontius Pilate found no crime that the Lord had committed but the crowds were on his head, that they would rather have a certified criminal released than the blasphemous Son of God.

Before we go on, this is no sermon. The pulpit is reserved for the preachers. The pedestal is for the politicians. If you find one delivering a sermon on a pedestal instead of the pulpit, cast the first stone against them.

So, here was Pontius Pilate faced with a judgment that did not incriminate Jesus. He was at grapples and afraid of the crowds that wanted the innocent Jesus Christ crucified.

Pilate, if I may call him that, washed his hands. He threw off his judgment. Then he spoke to the people. In Latin, the language used by the Romans who were ruling the world then, what he said was: “Ecce homo”.

Put it clearly, that simply means: “Behold, the man!” That was to say: You can do what you will with this man I find not guilty and because you choose Barabbas to be released, you can crucify him, but my hands are clean.

This is not the Easter period, a time when many, including our very presidents, dramatise the crucifixion and then think we will appreciate their existence by pretending some faith or other.

This is a time of reality. This is the time of reality of incomprehensible fuel shortages, unfathomable power outages, intolerable corruption, unacceptable nepotism and cronyism, inconsiderate health system and unreliable leadership. And, I dare add, useless opposition, that thinks they can just take advantage of the situation to fool Malawians the more.

So, like Pontius Pilate, we will say: Ecce, the Tippex Government.

Tippex. Tippex. Tippex.

Former President Bakili Muluzi once said Malawians have the problem of forgetting easily. Which is why we all have forgotten about Tippex.

And, by the way, given a scale of five points, minus Dr Hastings Kamuzu Banda, who has served Malawi the best on the seat of the President?

I digress.

President Lazarus Chakwera got to the high seat of the President because the Constitutional Court found that the Tippexed polls were illegal. That is why the Democratic Progressive Party (DPP) was sent packing, and Peter Mutharika had to lodge in an unfinished house somewhere in Mangochi, because a crony-and-a-half misplaced his cement.

But then, which is better between a Tippexed election and a Tippexed government?

Before us is a Tippexed government. It is not what was written beneath the Tippex. The promises that were written beneath this infamous eraser have obscured our vision along the way to Canaan. By the way, again, and pepani for that, what could have happened if the Israelites did not mind about the watermelons, inde mavwembe, they left in Egypt and focused their minds on the Promised Land of Milk and Honey?

What could have happened if Moses left the Israelites in the desert and returned to Egypt?

The CoP 27 represents a necessary time for world leaders and other stakeholders to take stock of our climate situation. Climate financing, reparations and all that are important nomenclature. We all see that the world is faced with rising food prices (eisssh, a 50kg bag of maize in Malawi is hovering around K25 000 now) and fuel prices are stinking high. Figure this, after spending 20 hours at the gas station, motorists find themselves with an empty tank and opt to buy it on the black market at K5 000 from the approved K1 800 pump price!

With these crises, we need more action than colourful language. Travel will not save our souls as one Henry Kachaje would tell you crudely.

But I digress.

This Tippexed government is lost in a quagmire of its own making. Unfortunately, the promises they are trying to obscure with Tippex are laid bare because Tippex came with another solvent some of us saw at the typing pool. This liquid was used to soften the Tippex and the typists and secretaries of old would rub off the Tippex using it as well.

We can still see the promises this Tippexed administration threw in our faces. Were the million jobs they promised about the man-hours people are spending at gas stations? Was the K14 000 fertiliser bag they promised about the lessons we are getting on making Mbeya fertiliser and compost manure? Was the bullet train they told us about the long queues that have stifled production in the public, private and independent sectors?

As I write, Moses is back in Egypt, trying to figure out why is November hotter than July in Malawi. Meanwhile, we the children of Israel are in the scorching desert heat, trying to see if there is still some oil in the wilderness.