He can’t perform in bed, should I leave him?

Dear BMW,

I am 23, a student studying public health in Blantyre. I have a boyfriend who keeps on saying he will marry me.  But Biggie, my boyfriend is selfish and I have never really been that close to him in the bedroom because he is always interested in satisfying himself first.  In fact, he acts like a jerk. When he’s done, that’s it.

Biggie, this man never seems to be concerned about me. I know he loves me, but in the bedroom it seems to always be about him. He’s never asked me about my likes and dislikes.

The worst part is that he never really wants to be seen in public with me. He does not have time for us. Not even during weekends when we are supposed to go out together. He takes no advice from me and he says he is who he is and I can’t change him.

I am hurting inside, what should I do Biggie?

Worried Lady, via WhatsApp

 Dearest WL,

I have tackled this problem more than once. But since you have asked, I will try to respond. It is good to hear that you have tasted the soup to make the right decision. I hope after this response, you will pack your things and run, because I do not see any reason for you to stay in this relationship where only one person wants to drive and the other to be the passenger of the vehicle all the time.

But let’s not rush things here. Life is interesting.

First, it would be easy to blame this situation solely on your boyfriend, but in a relationship, often both parties contribute to problems. It’s not too late to save the relationship, so let’s look at what can be done now.

My dear WL, some men are simply not talkers and won’t ask about how the sex is because they happily or shyly assume all is well unless there is madando. It doesn’t mean they are mean-spirited or consciously selfish. Additionally, many women don’t speak up because they are worried about hurting their partner’s feelings.

So, instead of lying there like a log waiting for a miracle of satisfaction from a selfish boyfriend, why can’t you rise up to the occasion and take the lead.  Start controlling the bedroom activities today and see how it goes.

Finally, aren’t you too young to be studying how men perform in bed? Where are your public health study notes? Young lady, please do not waste my time!

Mapanga awiri avumbitsa, zitayeni.

Big Man Wamkulu