This week, I spent over two hours on the phone with a woman who gave me permission to share her story. She’s in her 30s and has three children. Each child has a different father, but not a single one is involved in the children’s lives.
And sadly, her story is far from unique.
Across the country, women are raising children alone while the fathers have simply checked out. Yet when these women say they’re exhausted or financially overwhelmed, society labels them lazy or dramatic.
We’ve normalised this madness. Siring children and disappearing has become a part of life. No consequences, no shame; just another day. But why should we accept this? Why are many men fathering children they have no intention of supporting — emotionally or financially? And why are we, as a society, silent about it?
We talk about economic inequality between men and women. But have we paused to consider how many women are economically stuck because they’re doing the job of both mum and dad round the clock with zero help?
Yes, some men raise kids alone too. But let’s not pretend it’s equal. The overwhelming burden falls on women and it’s not letting up. Pregnant women are left to attend antenatal clinics and give birth alone.
Instead of building their lives, women are pouring every kwacha and ounce of energy into solo parenting. It’s draining. It’s unfair. And it’s preventable.
Now here’s the part that may sting a bit ladies, we need to talk.
While we’re rightly calling out irresponsible men, we also need to stop being casual about the decisions we make around sex, relationships and childbearing. How many women actually take time to know a man before they get into situations that could lead to a baby? How many set clear conditions before opening that door?
Yes, men must be held accountable. But so must we. We can’t keep giving men an easy pass into our lives and then act shocked when they walk away after leaving us pregnant. A baby is not a toy. It’s not a lifestyle accessory. It’s a lifelong commitment. And every child deserves love, security and the presence of both parents where possible.
This casual culture of saying undibelekere mwana like it’s nothing needs to stop.
Some of us are mature, well-informed women. Yet we still make babies with men who aren’t even financially stable or emotionally grown. Why? Then we cry foul when reality hits. Shouldn’t we also be called out for being reckless with our own bodies?
We have to start valuing ourselves more. If a man is not ready to commit, support and be present, then what’s the point of bringing a child into that chaos? Love is not measured by pregnancies. Real love includes responsibility, planning and showing up every single day. If he can’t do that, then he has no business being near your future children.
Raising children alone is emotionally and structurally hard. From paying school fees, hospital visits, to the emotional labour of answering where daddy is. And we shouldn’t keep glorifying women for enduring this. We should be fighting to end it.
I’m not stopping anyone from having babies. Have a plan. Know what you’re doing. Don’t bring a child into the world only to hand them a script of struggle, abandonment and emotional gaps.
Making babies is serious business. Let’s treat it that way.
