Trials of a divorcee

Hello Big Man Wamkulu

I trust this correspondence finds you in good health. Your devotion, BMW, in helping many hopeless souls through this platform is a service that will surely earn you a seat in heaven.

That is why despite the fresh challenges that have clouded Malawians courtesy of the 44 percent devaluation, I believe you will still make time to go through my petition. Therefore, I do not want to take much of your time and I will go straight to the point.

For starters, I am a divorced man based in one of the big cities. My wife and I separated eight months ago and honourable BMW, I am now comfortably settling back in the carefree life of singles. I hope my ex-wife does not get to read this though.

At the time of our separation we were neighbours with some cute nurse who works in one of the central hospitals within the city. Ever since we have been sharing the yard in our semi-detached houses, my neighbour has hardly shown any queer behaviour.

Despite her known single status, her actions have been well-measured throughout. She has not brought any sort of drama in our small compound, at least not to my knowledge. As such we have maintained mutual respect and a reasonable social distance even in my post marriage state.

But something has started smelling suspicious. The past two months I have not failed to note her growing tendency of drying her ‘private undergarments’ on our shared clothesline. BMW, I am talking about those white lacy pants, the pink G-strings and those sexy one stringed lingerie often associated with pole dancing.

To make matter worse, the clothesline in question runs through where I pass as I make my way into my house. It means time and again I have to bend almost half my height so I avoid contact with these precious items.

When I thought that was more than I could stomach, last week I received the final hammer. That Saturday, as I sat on my verandah negotiating how to deal with my king size hangover, I saw her approach the clothesline where she left four of her inner covers hanging.

Within minutes she came out of her house to which she bid me bye saying she was going to attend a braai at her friend’s crib. I could not fail to imagine how the four pieces hanging directly in front of me fit on her perfectly shaped bottom as she wiggled it out of the gate.

In the evening as I was taking my third bottle at our nearest waterhole, I received a text from her advising me to remove her undies and keep them in my house for she was not coming that evening.

BMW, I obliged and carried out the trying task.

But four days later, she has not asked for her items and they are still enjoying cover in my house. Biggie, it just seems I have been tried enough. What message is she trying to send to me? How do I remind her of her stuff? But it is not that I care keeping them forever, but BMW, what do I do?

Worried Divorcee.

Hello Mr Divorcee,

I am not really sure where you would fit as a tried and tested divorcee, who has found some form of happiness apart from married life or one who is missing better opportunities in life because of your laxity and lack of seriousness.

I will tell you being divorced is not the big issue here. Like I always say, I have been divorced three times in my life, so I know what I am saying. Lots of my friends are no single again.

You don’t tell me how you ended up having an ex-and I care a little about your small but big omission. That way, it could have helped me put you in a proper place. My guess, nonetheless can be that your wife deserted you because you have a very soft spot for hard drinks. It is not just off the air that I say that.

It is apparent that you were writing me while tipsy. I can tell that from your selection of words. That is also very clear because at all the moments you were supposed to be making critical decisions, you are either drunk or nursing a hangover.

Sober up a bit and my brother, I will assure you that you will understand what the ancients meant by saying life is not just about beer and a game of pool!

Now about the laced pieces of clothing, I would advise you text your neighbour when she can get them back. This is a trap my brother, a friendly game is very dangerous to play at the home ground, you are more apt to make mistakes.

She communicated to you by message, respond in the same manner. If she is not willing for you to drop them at her home, say she can’t come to get them at your crib. Suggest to her that you can deliver them at her work place where you will pretend to be a vendor.

Don’t be naïve. She is playing moves on you, but if you play your cards well, and get off the bottle for good, you will be good to roll. But, it appears you love and enjoy being drunk and single. Do what you enjoy best.

Even if your ex-wife reads this, I don’t think she will have anything to worry abou! Get well soon.

NOTE: You can now send your problems to BMW via WhatsApp number: +265 888-209-027. No calls please!