I have always believed that abusive men are perhaps the most paradoxical group of people this world has been forced to share space with. They are a cluster that puts up the most convincing displays of remorse and innocence when faced with damning accusations — mostly of battering women and sometimes of murder.
Many women have remained trapped in unloving, violent relationships with colossal consequences in the name of love or self-blame. This is because of how such partners pamper them after each episode.
I have witnessed lavish handouts by men to women they have just battered or disfigured, accompanied by showers of apologies for acts they claim to have no idea they committed “in the heat of the moment.” These men know how to display humility; they will go down on their knees and shed tears just to diffuse acrimony. The same energy they exert to bring temporary peace, they unleash minutes, hours and — if the woman is lucky — a day later, for yet another cycle of ravenous attacks, injuries and apologies.
Apology is good. Gifts are wonderful and so is a little pampering from time to time. Everybody wants to feel wanted, but not in a battered state. The moment someone showers you with goodness, love and releases tears like fountains right after perpetrating hurt, raise your eyebrows — or just flee. That is typical of hardcore abusers who will stop at nothing to turn their women into punching bags.
It is time women stopped falling for the oldest trick in the book. The gesture to buy sympathy will never be symbolic of changed behaviour or a better life ahead. These are old tactics that have sent many to their graves because they kept ‘hanging in there,’ waiting for change.
Circumstances for most women are aggravated when such displays of sweetness by their abusive lovers are extended to their families. Once she escapes to her kin, he goes to work, demonstrating how his bashing of her was “accidental” and how it will never happen again. His weaponry is sheer manipulation of poor, dependent souls with carrier bags full of groceries that end up ‘selling’ the abused woman off. The elderly will then convince her that fighting and injury are part of the marital package, that he loves her to pieces; hence, she should go back home and work things out.
Eeish! What betrayal. When she returns to their fold two days, three months and even years later, they still overlook her injuries and shove her right back into the arms of the very man who is killing her slowly.
It reminds me of a movie I watched recently about a young lady who was forced into pornography and prostitution by a husband she had married after just a few weeks of dating. She was beaten to a pulp if she protested, drugged, subjected to pre-arranged gang rape by the man she shared a house with and threatened with his gun. When she could not take it anymore, she ran back to her parents’ home, where her mother—a believer in marriage at all costs — refused to take her in and handed her right back to her assailant. The mother fell for his superficial charms and believed it was her daughter who was problematic. She realised the truth too late, after a lot of damage had been done.
It is time we opened our eyes to this deviousness and averted tragedies. Let us not fall for mediocrity. Spiritualists would call it demonic possession of the mind; psychologists might term it incoherence; the police would refer to it as criminal; scientists may call it mental sickness. I call it hazardous. Flee while you still can.
