Why doesn’t he want ‘rounds’?

Dear BMW,

I enjoy reading your column and never thought a day will come when I will need your wise counsel. I am 27, very beautiful and irresistible. I have a boyfriend working with one of the top firms in Blantyre. This man is setting me up for something because he is too busy for ‘rounds’.

I live with him and would be lying in bed bumping up against his well-built body, seething with lust because he hardly reaches out to touch me. As I write Biggy, the man has not touched me for rounds a month.

When I ask, he claims he is stressed and thinking about his work and building projects. So, you can imagine going through the typical exercises of seduction, friendship and caring, only to be rejected and thwarted again and again.

Right now, my mind has assessed all of the possibilities—either there is someone else, another hot woman in his life, or there is lack of desire and loss of love.

I cannot figure out what wrong I have done to him? I have tried to talk, but talking irritates him a lot. What should I do to make him have sex with me again?

Please help.

CMD, via WhatsApp, Blantyre

 Dear CMD,

Let’s be frank here, no man will shut his doors of covetousness for a beautiful woman unless there are valid reasons. So, I will speculate. He is not into you. Or, maybe there is something you did that turned him off. It could be you stole his money, you have ‘bad breath’, stinky armpits, you are bad at kissing, or you don’t shave down there and lay like a log when you two are at it.

It could be that you are not smart and all you offer him are dull conversations or you laze around the TV and on WhatsApp all day.

Or, since you are not legally married, the guy has sensed that you want ‘rounds’ all the time to trap him with a baby. Men, my dear, can smell a trap. They can easily suspect that the ‘free rounds being offered’ are being used for other unclear, ulterior motives and they simply refuse to be used like a CD.

That said, your man is a hero if, indeed, he has been celibate all those months. Because the men I know cannot starve that long. Within a week or two most men go looking for some nuts to crack.  So, let me speculate.

He might have a side chick hotter than you. Remember beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. The day you let your guard and dropped the makeup, he might have seen the ugly you. Let’s accept it, these things do happen.

He might also be servicing some chicks on the streets on his way home. If your man is not a regular customer, then how do the ladies of the night survive? I digress.

To cut this long story short, your man is cheating on you. Don’t buy the trick that he is stressed. It’s a trick similar to ‘I have a headache’—a lame excuse cheating women give all the time.

All you have to do is run and never look back.

Muchedwa nazo, dry spell mpaka mu relationship?

Big Man Wamkulu