A speech for 37 delegates

September 15 2022

There is no use avoiding sarcasm in Malawi, as this is slowly turning into our daily bread. Comical cynicism is on our plates and on our pillows, even in the shower. Wherever you turn, things take a shape that you laugh at.

So, I found myself thinking how one day I would draft a speech for valiant fighters for our democracy, the leaders who have stood with us through thick and thin. A speech apt from one who has seen this, heard that, and done nothing about it.

Queen Elizabeth’s death has led us to see the depth of the British eloquence and pageantry. It has been a show full of colour, drama and solemn scenes.

And, by the way, some have been questioning the flying the Malawi flag at half mast in respect of the Queen. They argue she ruled over the plunder of the resources in African territories like Malawi. The diamonds in her crown, others went that far, were stolen from Africa.

Closer to home, they brought us the land alienation in Mulanje and Thyolo, where her subjects took chunks of land for their own economic use. One needs to make the arguments about their feelings how the Queen’s planters, explorers and other colonizers went about calling our forefathers monkeys. You cannot delve into quarrels about Princess Diana of Wales and her relationship with the British monarchy.

The cultured don’t malign the dead. You only need to argue with your ancestors and you will not realise that the Queen’s insignia and the Republic of Malawi State President share the same feature of a lion with its tongue brought out, facing forward and walking with one of the front legs up. Unless we, at some point, look deeply at our protected symbols and emblems, then shall we really know if we are independent or not to say no to the idea of flying the flag at half mast.

Confused? Don’t be. The sarcasm in Malawi is more than enough for you to be confused.

So here is the speech prepared for the leader for his 37 delegates.

Mr Chairman, and my esteemed delegation. It is an honour for me to be here with you today at this auspicious occasion.

Some of you, dear delegates, have been here in the land of milk and honey for over 10 days, so you may have missed a thing or two about what has been going on. I don’t blame you, window shopping in this land of dreams is a common pastime.

Mr Chairman, dear delegates, your being here earlier has confused many that they are not able to calculate they are paying for your shopping spree. It is quite hilarious that a whole system can fail such simple arithmetic when they know that every member in their household eats two pieces of meat everyday so three people would need a whole goat in a week. They need calculators, dear delegates. No, abacuses in fact to make that simple arithmetic up.

And, I will tell you, before coming this way I heard William Ruto was being sworn in as the President of Kenya. I really I went there. But then, I don’t know what the people would say had I gone there and attend the Queen’s funeral instead.

Mr Chairman, watching the swearing-in ceremony reminded me of one day when Malawians were so full of hope during a swearing-in ceremony. They were promised tons of dust from the moon. Mind you, dear delegates, that dust looks like gold.

So Ruto was making the promises. He promised the better life. The stadium cheered. It has happened before.

But then, I was worried when he came to that bit about the fertiliser. Oh Ruto! How can you promise fertiliser at 3 500 shillings per 50kg bag? You may be aware, one and all, that the amount is equal to about K29 500. How can you make that promise Oh Ruto! Don’t you know some said it would be K14 000 plus but it ended up somewhere around K70 000? Watch your promises Oh! Ruto! Others will sabotage your dreams if you ask me.

Mr Chairman, dear delegates. I promise you that we will be the first nation to be on the sun. We will beat the Americans and Russians at their game. Forget Yuri Gagarin, forget Neil Armstrong and his leaps for humanity. We are making it to the sun, soon. Don’t ask me if we are not going to get burnt. I will tell you, ladies and gentlemen: We will go to the sun at night. We love travelling by night when it’s too hot.

I thank you for your attention.