Let them talk!: How to deal with gossip

For how long will you lock yourself up in your room and shed angry tears each time you hear that people were gossiping about you? As College of Medicine psychologist Chiwoza Bandawe puts it, gossip is part and parcel of life so you’d better learn how to react to and deal with it. Here, he gives simple steps with which to cope with the rumour mill.

MAIN BODY :Wikipedia defines a conversation as communication between multiple people which allows individuals with different views on a topic to learn from each other. It also touches on oral presentations, banter and small talk.  At no point does it indicate that talking of the personal or private affairs of others when they are not around is part of normal conversation. Why, then, do perfectly normal people (especially women) choose to indulge in abnormal conversation from morning to night? It seems that everywhere you turn; people would rather discuss other people and not real issues.

Bandawe says the gossip merely circulates vicious rumours or enjoys indulging in other people’s private lives to meet their own psychological need for significance.

“In other terms, they want to fill their inadequacy. It’s almost as if they reassure themselves that ‘so and so’ must be worse than them because they did such a thing. Even if they know that whatever is being said is not true, they would rather believe it anyway.”

What starts out as seemingly harmless fun might end up being harmful to the other person. Victims of gossip have been known to have low self-esteem, be secluded and, in extreme cases, depressed. This largely depends on how you react to hearsay. Accepting that people will always talk and say certain things to make themselves feel better is a very good starting point. If you look at it that way, you will realise that running home crying each time you hear something about yourself is an absolute waste of time because you will most likely spend your whole life shedding hot tears.

“Internalising gossip is the worst thing you can do. It will lead to pain, countless ‘how could s/he say that’ and ‘is that what people think about me’ questions. Protecting yourself from this is simple. Tell yourself that you have no control over what people say about you. Remember that the truth might emerge somehow. If not, console yourself with the knowledge that at least the people that really matter to you know the truth,” says Bandawe.

According to him, it is essential to keep in mind that it is the gossips who have a problem such as inadequacy, low self-esteem and jealousy. They are simply trying to make themselves feel better by bringing you down. This will help you take whatever you hear with a pinch of salt.

Contrary to what was believed, Bandawe says that confrontation helps bring closure. This makes the person aware of the fact that you know what they are up to but you really don’t care.

“This should not be an angry or aggressive confrontation. Simply take them aside and tell them what you heard them saying about you. They will most likely deny the fact. Most gossips will rush out and ask you who you heard the story from. Take no heed of that. As long as you have made them aware of the fact that what they say about you is not a secret, do not push the issue further,” offers Bandawe.