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Listen to your people, Madame President

We are not in the tradition of meddling in party politics, but  our commander-in-chief, Joyce Befu, also known as MG 66, has directed us, her subjects, that is, Sheikh Jean-Philippe LePoisson, Native Authority Mandela and me, to address you, Madame State President on an issue that everybody who cares is talking about and gnaws us.

As you well know, Madame President, we are in Ntcheu, the land of the Maseko Ngoni. And you know who the Maseko Ngoni are because you were here recently to witness the installation of Ngoni chiefs.  You know that the Maseko Ngoni share DNA with President Zuma of South Africa. You know that when they want to tell the truth, the Maseko Ngoni will tell it like it is even if it hurts. If they want to swear, they will swear even in a church, a synagogue, a mosque or a Nyabinghi Order house. The only other tribes who share this character are the Tonga and the Sena.

Last night, we were busy drinking fantakoko, amalaula, and Ntcheu Brew at  Chingeni discussing the now Guinness- Book-of-Records Cashgate when the issue of your the frequent international and national trips came up.  Those of us who have already decided to vote for you don’t mind. After all we, party diehards, want you to be felt and heard all over the world. Every international citizen and every Malawian villager must know that you exist.  That is important to us.

We, your truthful followers until death does us part, can  and do hereby declare  without fear of the opposition, that your party is the most popular in Malawi and its chances of winning the 2014 elections are very high.

However, our worry is that we seem to be losing the support of the undecided voters. Those who have no party affiliation, such as Mbandambanda, that Ngoni who does not drink but guzzle; does not talk but swear, are becoming less and less convinced about your leadership style and quality. These have serious questions about your priorities. You were in the Middle East recently and posed with the Emirs and other business tycoons.  Before the nation breathed in, you were already flying to Nigeria for your third or fourth visit to that country in two years.

What worries us, your followers and subjects is that you seem to worry very little about the people’s complaints and concerns, and the stolen money. Yes, your trips may be fully paid for, but your personal health is not. Before you accept some of these fully paid for trips, examine also what they mean in the eyes of the world.

The image you have created in the world is that we are such a poor nation that we cannot even fly our own president.  So, next time there is another all-paid-for invitation, delegate it to someone else in your Cabinet or party politburo. As Chancellor of the University of Malawi, Mzuzu University and Malawi University of Science and Technology (Must) you can even direct Jessie Kabwila or anyone from the Department of Public Administration and Political Science at Chancellor College, home of academic freedom, to deliver the lecture on your behalf.

“Honestly speaking, what kind of lecture can the president give to Nigerians about democracy?” Mbandambanda asked, “Does she even understand democracy?”

“I hope you are not saying that because she is a woman,” Abiti Joyce Befu, MG 66, said.

“Actually Madame the State President needs immediate intensive lessons on democracy and governance?  Why does the President not care to listen to her own people?” Mbandambanda went on, unfazed by Abiti’s appeal to the president’s sex.

“But Bakili and Bingu used to travel the world as they wished,” MG 66 fought on.

“Bakili and Bingu are not models of democratic leaders. The problem with you, party diehards, is that you see life in black and white,” Mbandambanda went on.

Sheikh Jean-Philippe, who, like Native Authority Mandela and I, had said nothing so far, asked how we would ensure that our letter reached state house and the president read it.

“We will use Facebook,” I said.

“Facebook?”

“Yeah, the State President is on Facebook.”

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