discovered last week that my husband has been chatting with his ex-girlfriend on Facebook Messenger. He didn’t tell me; I stumbled on the messages when I borrowed his phone. They are not openly sexual, but they are full of nostalgia: “Remember when we used to visit…” and “you were the only one who understood me.”
I confronted him, and he said it was harmless, that he only wanted to check how she was doing. But I feel betrayed. We have two children, and I thought our marriage was strong. Now I lie awake wondering if he still loves her, or if I am just the woman he settled for.
He insists I am overreacting. Am I? Should I demand he cut off contact with her?
Anonymous Wife, via Whatsapp, Area 25, Lilongwe
Dear anonymous wife,
You are not overreacting. You are reacting. And reaction is the body’s way of telling us that something matters. A spouse secretly messaging an ex is not neutral; it is charged with history, intimacy, and possibility. Even if no physical affair has happened, the secrecy itself is a breach of trust.
But here is the hard truth: banning him from contact will not cure the wound. It may stop the symptom, but it will not heal the cause. The cause is that he felt the need to reach back into the past without inviting you into that conversation. That is the gap you must address.
Tell him plainly: “I do not feel safe when you share intimacy with someone outside our marriage. I need transparency and reassurance.” This is not drama; it is boundary-setting. If he dismisses your feelings, insist on counselling. A neutral space forces both partners to hear what the other is saying without defensiveness.
Remember, nostalgia is seductive because it edits out the pain. He remembers her as the one who understood him, but he forgets why they broke up. You, too, may be tempted to imagine that she is a rival. In truth, she is a shadow. Shadows grow when we feed them attention.
Your task is not to compete with the shadow but to strengthen the light in your own marriage. Rebuild rituals of closeness: shared meals, honest talks, laughter that belongs only to you two. If he resists, then you must ask yourself whether he is choosing the marriage or the memory. Otherwise, the issue of DNA tests that are threatening affairs, as reported last week, emerge from some such shadows.
You deserve a partner who invests in the present, not one who hides in the past. Hold him to that standard. If he meets it, your marriage will grow stronger. If he does not, you will at least know the truth — and truth, however painful, is always better than suspicion
BIG MAN
WAMKULU NOTE: You can now send your problems to BMW via WhatsApp number: +265 888-209-027. No calls please!
