The spar of single fatherhood

Society often deems men as incapable of raising children on their own. When a mother dies or in case of a divorce, relatives rush to get the children from their homes to be raised elsewhere in the “capable” hands of a woman, be it their aunt or grandmother. Single fatherhood is opposed unlike single motherhood. Paida Mpaso writes about raising children as a single father.

Ayanda Kachingwe, a businessman in Limbe, Blantyre, had a baby with a past love whom he said abandoned the child at his house.

He said the woman accused him of abandoning the child first.

“She came one day and told me it was my turn to take care of the child. I was scared to shoulder the responsibility alone and so I took her to live with my mother. She is now six years old,” says Kachingwe.

According to Kachingwe, he wants to raise the child on his own but doubts he would give her the special attention that only mothers are capable of.

With cases of divorce or separation affecting many families, many fathers are “braving” the responsibility of raising children on their own. Some have attributed the trends to changing times.

Is it as hard as society has portrayed it?

Marriage counsellor Regina Phanga says single fathers can ably raise their children without problems. According to Phanga, the best remedy is to simply be there for the children.

“Once the family has separated, sit the children down; let them know of the situation and new arrangements about them. Much as one might be in pain from a pending divorce, talk to a child and update her/him on possible changes.

“It is understandable to want mothers to take responsibility of children in a separation, but never do so until you try,” she says.

Phanga adds that there is joy in raising children.

 “In the course of raising the child, you might observe some unruly behaviour arising from the divorce or separation. Reassure them that they are not alone; it is normal to feel upset and that things will be alright.

“Keep it simple. Long complicated explanations can confuse children. Children do not need all the details. They have a right to know what is happening and that it is not their fault,” she says.

Family enrichment expert Diston Chiweza says children must never be underestimated. He says parents should not keep information from their children to avoid unpleasant surprises.

“To avoid these surprises, talk to them and spend time with your children. Most importantly, talk about their mother if she is alive and arrange for visits. The fact that you have separated with her does not mean cutting communication.

“Prayer helps the healing process. Ask God for advice, love the children and let them know they are the apple of your eye, then they will begin to appreciate and it might not be that difficult after all,” he says.

Chiweza says fathers should get involved with the children’s meals, homework, playtime, attend special school and sporting events to strengthen the relationship.