What is he up to? He doesn’t drink

Dear BMW,
I just want to vent out because I am frustrated with my man.
Pundits say a man must have a vice—a way to release stress. It could be alcohol, women, sports or religion. But here I am stuck with a man who enjoys none of the above. No alcohol, no women. Neither is there a sport that he loves.
And it’s been years since he mentioned God, let alone go to church. But he has money, so I suspect, because he hides it all, he has been doing something behind my back.
We have been married for five years—zomwezi zongotenganazi. We live comfortably. At face value, my man is perfect and all my neighbours say so. But mmmmh! I have been sleeping with one eye open because no man is perfect.
Even my bestie warned me the other day that there is no man with money who will purely focus on his money-making ventures and making his wife happy. “He will seek whatever other pleasures money can bring,” she warned me.
Honestly, that statement jolted me. Now I prefer her man who drinks because that distracts him from skirt chasing than my mine who sits phwiii!
I am really getting curious to know what my man is up to, because he can’t be this good.
BMW, do you think he has a girlfriend? What is he up to when I am not around? I am really confused.
Madam Vent, via WhatsApp, Chirimba

Dearest Madam Vent,
Your man is not who you think he is and it’s good you are sleeping with one eye open. You see, I am yet to find one man—dead or alive—who doesn’t have an occupation of some kind.
Real men, like yours truly, must smoke a bit, drink alcohol a little, womanise pang’ono and enjoy sport and betting.
A real man must also be religious to boot. This is not stereotyping but a reality!
But, as usual among us, we have some men like your hubby, who—if I may speculate—is a terrorist or thief. They are those who plunder government ministries, departments and agencies or those who terrorise their workmates and hide at home all the time for fear of being beaten on the streets.
Such men pretend to be holier than everyone else. Because, if he is not a thief, why is he hiding from his menfolk? If he has money, why is he not splashing it on women? If he has time, why is he not spending it on sport or betting?
If he is a bit religious, why can’t he join a choir to be blessed or bless those thick choir ladies?
If he is neither a terrorist nor a thief, then your man is a wizard. Amauluka masana! And he has brought shame among all the right thinking men.
Who does he think he is? You have money but cannot drink, or womanise? It is such men who make some of us look like idiots because we drink and womanise. This really makes me sick!
So, if you ask me, if he is up to good, I will tell you that all your man is doing is to tarnish the image of all good men in this country kuti ndife oipa, iyeyo ndiye wa bwino.
Za zii. He needs to be initiated. Tidzamuvinire because sizoona ayi.
Big Man Wamkulu