The moment money enters love, it stops being just about love. It becomes about power, trust and respect. That’s why it gets messy sometimes. There’s no automatic switch when you say “I love you” or “I do.”
Couples have all sorts of goals and expectations. Relationship dynamics are huge and by far, the hardest to phantom. That is why external influence becomes difficult to penetrate the love stronghold, even when it serves to interrupt a toxic environment. Three will always be company. By agreement, you can pool everything, pool some or keep everything separate. None is wrong. What is wrong is assuming without talking.
So when does money become his, hers or ours in a relationship or marriage? I ask because some have argued that once two people are in love and/or marriage, their money or assets become the couples. Others have also argued that the two do not desist from being individuals; therefore, boundaries should be maintained.
It is control and theft to search bags, cars and pockets auditing the other’s money whlie hiding yours is financial abuse. Watching them to catch them is surveillance, not partnership. Ndi kuba! Sichikondi chiemenecho.
Others, especially women, will wait for their men to arrive home from a drunken spree and search projects or cars for any ‘change’. Poor fellow, once he comes to, remains unsure whether he spent all of it out or whether indeed the robber sleeps right next to them.
Love gives without being asked. It doesn’t take and pretend it didn’t happen. If you can’t trust each other with money, you don’t have a partnership. You have a power struggle. Love does not mandate anyone participating in it to be automatic beneficiary or benefactor of the other’s coffers. There is no excuse of hiding behind love to claim what is not rightly yours. If that money was stashed away somewhere, leave it. It’s not yours. Stop behaving like private investigators by turning private spaces upside in search of money and valuables that are not yours. Stop prohibiting your loved ones from a deserved bathroom break because they are cautious of your criminal antics that robs them of their hard-earned cash any minute you get the chance.
The bottom line is that love does not automatically entitle you to your partner’s money. Choice and agreement do.
You cannot hide your finances and live off your partner’s. You cannot demand transparency and offer none in return. That is exploitation.
If this is happening in your home, start with boundaries and safety. No amount of money is worth your peace of mind or your dignity. We want to hear from you: In your relationship, how do you handle money?
