I have too many girlfriends

Dear Biggie,

First, let me confess that I am a fan of this column and I have been following you for the past eight months.

In the past I would read your column while sipping a cold beer and laugh with my friends at your responses like idiots. I always thought those who seek your wisdom are all losers. But I was wrong, because here I am today kneeling before you asking for help.

Biggie, my problem is that at 23, I have found myself with too many girlfriends.

These days, you will agree with me, girls are too beautiful to resist and I can’t help myself when I see one. As a result I have ended up with way too many women than I can chew.

I love women in uniform, but I love them most when they are virgins. In fact, I am dreaming of one day marrying a virgin.

As I am writing to you, I have not less than 13 girlfriends. I have three girlfriends who are all nurses, two soldiers both at Mafco, one in Lilongwe, one police officer in Blantyre, a prison warder and quite a number of health surveillance assistants. In addition to all these girls, I have a few more at Poly, Chanco, Catholic University and Mzuni (who doesn’t like college girls?). My hands are full!

Of late, BMW I have been feeling guilty that I am wasting their time and mine. Although I can tell you with my hand on my chest that I love them all.

Should I offload some of them?

Virgin Hunter, Chigumula, Blantyre.

Dearest Mr. Hunter,

Let me start by telling you that you have no problem. Who can fault you for having too many girlfriends? By the way, when Ghanaian writer Ayi Kwei Armah wrote that ‘the Beautyful Ones are Not Yet Born’, did you think he was lying? No!

In fact, your e-mail reminds me of an encounter I had a few weeks ago. I got one of the best compliments of my life. It was from a girl I had just started seeing.

When I asked her impression of me she said: “I think you are with a lot of women and you treat them all very well.”

It made me so happy because there is this cultural belief that if you see multiple women, you are a monster and a heartless player.

That doesn’t have to  be the case. You can see multiple girls and still be a good dude.

Mr Hunter, you are an honest, sexual, and unashamed man (pun intended). Your view of the world is same as mine, because both of us want to leave everyone better than we found them. It’s a potent cocktail.

Although managing multiple relationships can be hard, I urge you to up your game and do things a bit more differently than all of your role models (look who is talking). Thirteen is an odd number.

I agree, you’re exploring new territory, hence the guilt. So for this part you’re going to need to expand your mind and overcome some serious cultural programming (that man was made for one woman).

If you watch History Channel as BMW does, you will learn that Homo sapiens evolved in non-monogamous settings (free loving bonobo societies).

As for marrying a virgin, I can only wish you luck because a definition of virgin has changed. If she has gone two days without getting laid, she is a true virgin. Honestly, at the pace girls are sleeping around with Blessers you will be lucky to find one!

Go explore more, but leave sexual exclusivity to men of the collar.

Big Man Wamkulu

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