Dear BMW,
I am a young corporate woman working in Lilongwe and I am in a dilemma. Six months ago, I started dating a respectable, church-going gentleman who works for a prominent parastatal. He is kind, God-fearing and treats me like a queen. The only catch? He doesn’t have deep pockets.
I am a woman of high standards. I love the finer things in life such as dining at high-end lodges, weekend getaways to Salima and keeping up with the latest fashion trends. My man tries his best, but his salary clearly has structural adjustments. To bridge the gap, I kept my ‘backup engine’, a wealthy business tycoon based in Nyambadwe, Blantyre. This tycoon is married, but he funds my lifestyle without asking questions. He pays for my premium DSTV, my hair extensions and my fuel. To me, it was perfect portfolio diversification: one man for my heart and another for my wallet.
The bombshell dropped last weekend. My corporate boyfriend surprised me by showing up at my apartment unannounced, only to find massive, expensive hampers delivery from a high-end supermarket, complete with a card from my Nyambadwe tycoon that read, “To my sweet lady, see you next weekend.”
Biggie, my boyfriend did not even shout. He just looked at the hamper, looked at me and left. Now he has blocked me everywhere and he refuses to pick up calls from my aunties who tried to mediate. Meanwhile, the Nyambadwe tycoon just texted me saying his wife has intercepted our bank transfer records and he needs to ‘freeze’ our relationship for a few months to let the dust settle.
I am devastated. I have lost the man who truly loved me and my financial sponsor has also gone into a temporary lockdown. I can’t survive on my basic salary alone and my heart is broken into pieces. How do I win my boyfriend back while ensuring my financial infrastructure doesn’t completely collapse? Please help.
Broken, but Sophisticated, Area 18.
Dear Broken, but Sophisticated,
I must commend your economic genius. You attempted to run a dual-engine economy in a country facing severe foreign exchange shortages and now you are surprised that both engines have knocked at the same time.
Let us address your corporate boyfriend first. You say he is God-fearing and respectable. A man of that nature operates on a fixed fiscal budget. He cannot compete with a Nyambadwe tycoon whose source of revenue bypasses standard tax regulations. When he saw that luxury hamper, he did not see food; he saw inflation that his salary scale could not match. He realised that while he was busy investing in your future, someone else was funding your current expenditures. Do not bother sending your aunties to mediate. In Malawi, when a good man walks away quietly without breaking your windows, he has checked out permanently. You are no longer a liability he is willing to manage.
As for your Nyambadwe tycoon, he is currently undergoing ‘maintenance work’ at home. When a tycoon’s wife discovers bank transfers, emergency monetary policies are enacted instantly. He hasn’t frozen the relationship because of the dust; he has frozen it because his supply lines have been cut off by the commander-in-chief of his household.
You want to know how to win your boyfriend back while maintaining your infrastructure? My sister. you cannot have the peace of a faithful relationship while demanding the luxury of an illicit financial flow. You must choose a struggle.
If you want the corporate gentleman, you must prepare for a season of austerity measures. You will have to trade Salima weekend getaways for walks around Area 18 and swap your premium hair extensions for a simple lines haircut. But looking at your appetite for the finer things, I doubt you have the structural resilience for poverty.
My advice? Accept the budget deficit. Let the corporate man find a woman whose maintenance costs match his salary grade. As for you, buy a notebook, wait for the Nyambadwe tycoon to finish his domestic restructuring and look for a third backup engine in the meantime. Just remember that high-interest loans always come with severe penalties when you default. Vuto ladyera ndilimenelo!
Yours in eternal economic wisdom,
Big Man Wamkulu
