When a woman attains a certain age, tongues start wagging. Parents, relatives and the so-called ‘concerned’ people start asking why the woman is not yet married. Our Reporter ALBERT SHARRA talks to several people on this issue.
At the age of 28 and in a stable job, Dorcas Mwale may not have an excuse for waiting to settle down. That is, if looked at from expectations of most Malawian societies.
In an interview on Thursday, Mwale revealed that some of her uncles have visited her house in Chirimba three times to hear her marriage plans. She says at first it was her parents who arranged a marriage for her once.
“I am the first born in my family and I know my parents wish me the best in life. However, while I was doing my final year of college, they told me that after my graduation I should marry one of the successful young men in our community that they had found for me. I refused,” Mwale said.
She says the two years she spent at home while hunting for a job, her parents and uncles kept asking her to get married. She says they used to tell her that after school the next stage is marriage.
Violet Khoriyo who lives in Mbayani in Blantyre reveals that she was forced into marriage to her long-time boyfriend by her uncles who told her that staying long in a relationship would not lead to married as the man will get tired of her.
“In Malawi, if you are a girl in puberty stage, people start telling you to get married. I wanted to take my time before getting married, but I was reminded that all my age mates were married and people were worried about me, including my parents,“ said Khoriyo who has been married for three years.
But what are the yardsticks to measure the right time a woman should get married?
Village head Makolosa of T/A Kapeni in Blantyre says there have been occasions in his village where parents or other people have influenced girls to go into marriage on the pretext that they may soon become ineligible.
Makolosa says he sensitises his people to avoid driving girls into marriage before they are ready for it.
“Marriage is not by age or time. It is about being ready for it. In our society, people just look at the girl’s body and whether she is in school or not. Real marriage is in one’s mind and heart and when time is ripe, it happens automatically,” says Makolosa, adding that children should be left to make their own decisions on marriage.
Marriage counsellor Benjamin Kumwenda feels it is sometimes the behaviour of the children that gives the impression that the latter need to get married.
“Most children behave as if they are mature and independent and yet they are still in their parent’s house. Hence, parents start encouraging their children to marry, especially the fear that their daughters may fall pregnant out of wedlock,” he said.
Kumwenda believes that apart from the legal age as prescribed by the law, there is no any age that is considered the best time to marry.
“It is generally agreed that one needs to be physically, economically, emotionally and psychologically mature to get into marriage. Unfortunately, most people mature physically very early. Nevertheless, there is no one or government agency that measures fitness,”
“Whilst marrying in late years have economic advantages, it is hard to stipulate other benefits. Usually couples grow too independent of and struggle to embrace each other. Whilst marrying early has an advantage of growing up together. However, through the economic hardships, there is no guarantee due to emotional instability and immaturity that your marriage will survive,” says Kumwenda.
He, however, admits that pressure mounts when all peers are married, but says getting married for this reason is a recipe for disaster.
